maro Lip Schtick: March 2005p

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Don't sweater the small stuff

This picture kicks ass ... it comes to us from one of my fave gals, Kelly Love at Microfamous.

Although I can't figure out for the life of me why you'd remove the cat's built-in sweater, just to have it wear a man-made one.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Which is worse?

I've decided that cleaning out my cat's litterbox is about the same as throwing up. I dread it ... I put it off and put it off until I just can't take it anymore.

But when I finally get it over with, I always end up thinking, "What was the big deal, anyway?"

Not to mention the fact that I feel so much better afterward.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Take a bite outta crime

A few of us were having a conversation about serial killers not too long ago. Whenever the subject comes up, you always seem to hear about the big ones: Ted Bundy, Son of Sam, and eventually, Jeffrey Dahmer.

When Dahmer's name was brought into the conversation this go around, I couldn't help but hearken back to an old joke that cracks me to this very day:

What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to the police when they came to arrest him?
"Come on guys ... have a heart!"

I told you.

Pure comedy.

Saturday, March 26, 2005

A well-reasoned hiatus

I will not blog tomorrow.

I will take time, however, to think about exactly what the day represents to me and how I want to live my life because of it.

I wish everyone the best of Easters, Sundays, or just days tomorrow.

Be happy, live well, love.



John 3:16

Lip Schtick's March Madness Update!!!

As Mick so eloquently pointed out - it looks like I may end up being my own guest blogger ...

... just kidding. I wouldn't hose my loyal readers by pulling a stunt like that.

But here's where we stand so far as we reach the Elite Eight of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament:

LilRed - Illinois / North Carolina / Oklahoma / Louisville
Okiedoke - Illinois / Wake Forest / Syracuse /North Carolina
D. Derek - Illinois / Wake Forest / Syracuse / UConn
Chase - Illinois / North Carolina / Wake Forest / Duke
Mick - Oklahoma State / Wake Forest / North Carolina / Oklahoma
Rick Neuheisel - Illinois / Wake Forest / Oklahoma / North Carolina

So, it looks like Okiedoke, Chase, and Rick Neuheisel are still in the running.

Sorry, D. Derek and Mick ... better luck next March.

Friday, March 25, 2005

Less is more

Bumper sticker I saw on the back of an SUV today:

Use Less Stuff

Are you frigging kidding me? You drive an SUV! I think the exact response that went through my head at the time was:

"Uh, hello, Pot? This is Kettle. You're black."

Thursday, March 24, 2005

State of shock

The severe weather season is quickly approaching my fair city of Oklahoma City. That said, I'm quite certain that I'm not the only person to have ever asked this question:

Can someone please explain to me the need for the gigantic metal tip at the end of an umbrella?

I mean, I use an umbrella to shield myself from the rain ... I don't need the extra-added bonus of my own personal lightning rod.

Although, some time off from work would be nice.

Hmmm ...

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Red, White and Boo

Here we go again.

In Chase's recent post Nanny Nanny Boo Boo, a commenter took this as yet another opportunity to make a misplaced attempt at turning the piece into a red vs. blue issue (by the way, I'm so sick of the red state/blue state commentary in general, I could induce vomiting).

Here's what Anonymous had to say (regarding President Nixon's final press conference statement):

WELL HE"S LOOKING PRETTY GOOD COMPARED TO WHAT WE HAVE NOW!!! AT LEAST HE KNEW HOW TO PRONOUNCE NUCLEAR!!! AND HE HAPPENED TO HAVE AN IRISH SETTER WHO AT LEAST KNEW HOW TO RIDE IN A GOLF CART!!!!!!!

OK, Anonymous. I'm gonna have to flog you on two accounts:

1 - Please cool it with the all caps. We hear you.

2 - I don't think that Chase's intent was for this post to be turned into a forum, yet again, to rag on our current president (although I am absolutely positive that you're not the only one who will do just that).

I believe it was merely a comparison between two cheaters (and in Bonds' case, the cheating carries a double meaning), who, in their delusional states, decided to blame the media for their respective downfalls instead of the fact that they liked to "bend the rules a little."

I could be all wrong with my interpretation, but hey, that's my right as an American living in a red state ...

Oh, dear Lord. Now I'm doing it!

Ugh.

Kick 'em to the Kerrb

I heard through the grapevine recently that Kerr-McGee may be facing some sort of takeover. I don't know if

#1 - the rumor is true, or
#2 - the particulars of the situation if it is true.

But, if the prospect of a Kerr-McGee buyout (takeover, acquisition, coup ... whatever you want to call it) does eventually come to fruition, I can only wonder thing:

What would Karen Silkwood think?

Here are my guesses:

"It's about friggin' time."
"Awesome!"

Or my personal fave ...

"Uh, hello ... about 31 years too late, don't ya think?"

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Hello, Larry!

No, I'm not referring to the short-lived NBC sitcom starring McLean Stevenson in the late 70s ...

A few days ago I had lunch with some male friends from college.

We were doing the obligatory reminiscing when I asked them about one of their fraternity brothers named Mike.

"Oh, you mean Lawrence?" they replied.

"No, I mean Mike," I said.

"Well, he has since change his name to Lawrence."

"What?! Who the hell changes their name from Mike to Lawrence?" I snorted.

"I think Lawrence is his middle name."

OK, most people go by their middle name when it is cooler than the first name. But I have to say that cannot be the case here.

Unless you're Sir Olivier, I'm gonna have to ask that you 86 the Lawrence.

Sheesh.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Buty school dropout

I came across this guy's user name on a dating website today:

uniqbutyseekr

So, my question is:

Is he a seeker of unique beauty, or unique booty?

Friday, March 18, 2005

Benny there, done that

For all two of you who were mildly concerned, Benny has been found safe and sound.

Rhyme not intended.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Erin go blah

I didn't wear green today, even though I'm Irish.

First of all, I wore crimson to support the Sooners in the NCAA men's basketball tournament.

Second, and more importantly, I figured not wearing green would invite the obligatory pinching ... which would in turn provide the most action I've had for quite some time.

Hurry! Guest blogger offer ends soon!

Only two hours left to enter LilRed's call for guest bloggers!

Stop the madness!

Even if you have no clue, just pick four teams (hint for those who have never joined the madness: each team must come from a different bracket).

It's fun!

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

The turtle and the where?

My friend called today to tell me that she still hasn't found her pet turtle Benny (who has been missing inside her home for about four days now).

I have to admit, I'm a little creeped out by the prospect of a turtle being on the loose in her house. He's only about three inches across, but turtles are all prehistoric looking and scary.

So, she thought it might be a good idea if I posted about the MIA Benny to see if any Lip Schtick readers had good ideas on how to find him.

I decided that what good is Lip Schtick if I can't perform a public service every now and then?

So, please pass this along to anyone you feel might be good at locating turtles. Do we need to call in a hunting dog? Hold a seance?

Please help!

Because God only knows that I probably won't be visiting my friend until Benny's safely back in his faux pond where he belongs.

Creepy.

Dr. Feelgood

I thought I'd share this because so many people have such horrible experiences at hospitals these days.

I have on more than one occasion, bent over to pick something up, only to nearly knock myself out on a cabinet door left open when I stood back up.

This is exactly what happened to a friend of mine on Friday night. The only difference is that I have never really been hurt other than the obligatory swelling. She, on the other hand, gave herself quite a nasty cut.

"I figured when I looked in the mirror and saw my skull, it was probably wise to go to the emergency room," she told me the next day.

I have to admit, I found the story quite humorous as she relayed her trip to the ER, holding a towel to her head as she drove (her husband wasn't home at the time). I withheld my laughter, though, because I know at the time she was probably pretty scared.

She ended up with five staples in the noggin (which I insisted that she show me because I love that kind of stuff) for a cut that looked like it might have been a little more than an inch long.

But the thing I thought was cool about her story is how she said the ER doc treated her.

"She took the time to tell me exactly what was happening," my friend recalled. "This was my first trip to an emergency room in my entire life and I didn't know what to expect. But she made me feel at ease and comfortable."

So see ... not all doctors are dillholes. Some of them have quite a gentle bedside manner.

Even when they're using your head for staple gun practice.

Stop the madness!

Time is running out! If you want the chance to become a Lip Schtick guest blogger, send me your NCAA men's basketball Final Four picks by 11 a.m. CST tomorrow (Thursday, March 17)!

So far we've heard from:

LilRed - Illinois / North Carolina / Oklahoma / Louisville
Okiedoke - Illinois / Wake Forest / Syracuse /North Carolina
Rick Neuheisel - Illinois / Wake Forest / Oklahoma / North Carolina
D. Derek - Illinois / Wake Forest / Syracuse / UConn

And hopefully we'll hear from Ceres soon ...

Now for the ground rules:

1 - You cannot have the same picks as the folks who have already submitted theirs.

2 - The winner will submit his or her post to me via e-mail (I'll notify the winner with the e-mail address at the end of the tournament). In the event of a tie, winners will still send me their posts via e-mail.

3 - The winner's post will be displayed at my discretion (i.e., nothing perverted or mean will be tolerated, unless you want to rag on WalMart).

4 - Feel free to include pictures (JPG files only). Don't forget to include captions!

I think that's it. If you have questions, send me a comment! I'll check back regularly.

Have fun!

Death becomes him

I file this under "Really? You don't say..."

Peterson judge sentences him to death

Please. As if that's a shock to anyone.

Well, except to maybe Peterson himself.

Losing my lunch

My friend took me to Macaroni Grill for lunch today.

Or, as she so appropriately calls it, "Macafatty Girl."

Which is exactly what I feel like right now.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

I miss my MTV

OK, it's true. I haven't been part of the MTV demographic for some time now. I am now a proud member of the VH-1 generation.

But that doesn't mean that I don't miss MTV (when it was actually known for playing videos).

I was a wee young lass of only 10 years when I saw my first video on MTV:

"Love Stinks" by the J. Geils Band

So? What was the first video you ever saw on the moonman's favorite channel?

Surely you remember ... and don't call me surely.

Monday, March 14, 2005

Divine and conquer

I have to admit that I love it when a reader shares my affinity for stupid humor.

I got an e-mail today from a Lip Schtick onlooker that, if I do say so myself, is quite rewarding (and kick-ass):

I stumbled onto your blog today and saw the picture of Divine Brown next to your profile, and honestly, I coughed Diet Coke through my nose. Very funny surprise. I'm still laughing. Thanks.

I truly appreciate the compliment. It's not every day that I can find another person who enjoys the comedy of a hooker's mug shot.

Who knows? This could mark Divine Brown's next fifteen minutes of fame ...

... or shame.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Let the madness begin

Oh yeah, Baby! The greatest time of the year has officially begun ...

NCAA Men's Basketball tournament

Since I can't really post my bracket, here are my picks for the Final Four:

Illinois
North Carolina
Oklahoma
Louisville

Aw, c'mon! I can dream, can't I?

So, Lip Schtick readers ... let's see your picks. Please feel free to send me a comment with your happy Final Foursome!

And, to sweeten the pot, the reader with the closest guess to the actual Final Four will win a special guest blogger spot on Lip Schtick (under my discretion of course ... more details to come).

OK, some of you may be thinking "Big whoop. I have a hard enough time writing for my own blog much less someone else's."

Well, to you I say, stop being such a fun hater. I'm just trying to keep things interesting. Besides, you can always decline the guest blogger spot if you win (but I bet you won't want to).

Oh, and a few words for those of you who don't give a crap about the NCAA tourney:

1 - What's wrong with you?
2 - Just fill out a bracket and I swear, you'll be hooked.

Here are a few hints for the not-so-bracket-savvy:

1 - There's always a 12-5 upset.
2 - It's possible, but improbable that all four #1s will make it to the Final Four.
3 - No #16 seed has ever beaten a #1 seed.

There. That's all you get. But it's enough to get you started.

So have fun; enjoy the March Madness ... and for your hard-core bracketeers:

Make some money!

Friday, March 11, 2005

What? I cat hair you!

Last week I kept noticing a sound similar to when I get water in my ear. I didn't think a lot about it at first, but became a little concerned when I kept hearing it more frequently.

So, I decided to visit my ENT specialist, just to give myself peace of mind that I wasn't causing myself severe hearing loss.

Some of you may wonder at this point what the hell a 34-year-old needs with an ENT. It just so happens that I have a sinus polyp that I have to get checked out from time to time, but that's another story.

Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

LilRed: Well, I keep getting the sensation that water is in my ear. But I haven't been swimming, or done anything unusual that should cause this.

Doctor: O.K. Let's take a look.

The doc proceeds to stick that thing in my ear.

LilRed: See anything interesting?

Doctor: Yep. I see the problem.

He then grabs what looks like an interesting set of tweezers.

Doctor: I'm goin' in.

LilRed: Am I gonna feel anyth ... Ouch!

I jerked my head away from the doctor.

LilRed: I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. That really hurt.

Doctor: That's OK. I actually had to touch the eardrum, which can be very painful.

He then proceeds to hold the tweezers in front of my face to show me the culprit:

Apparently a tremendous cat hair found its way into my ear canal and nestled itself ever so snuggly onto my eardrum.

And let me tell you, as a friend of mine would so eloquently put it, "eardrums are not to be f*cked with."

So trust me, keep the cat hair where it belongs ... on your clothes and furniture. Because having one in your ear is not only unsavory, it sure as hell isn't any fun.

Well, except for the doctor who'll get $75 for what took about 30 seconds of his time.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Cut the crap

A friend of mine asked me earlier this evening if I know what a dingleberry is.

Which I thought was particularly ironic, since I had to cut one off my cat's butt just this morning.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

The mother load

I would like to first start by saying thank you to all of the Lip Schtick readers who sent their regards for my birthday. I can now proudly cry from the rooftops, "I'm 34 and lovin' it!"

But we must all remember that we couldn't have birthdays without being born first. And so, to that end, I give you:

Homage to the woman who birthed me

Mom, for years you've been there for me.

Let's see ...

When I was in middle school, you put Sun-In in my hair to give it that natural orange glow.

When I was in high school, you wouldn't let me go to clubs because they were, oh what was the phrase? Oh yes! "Low rent and seedy."

When I was in college, you made me move home every summer instead of letting me live with friends.

Once I was out of college, you made me feel pretty crappy about some dating choices I made.

To this day you have to give me grief about my hair color (which, by the way, everyone LOVES except you).

And just recently you were not so nice about my political views, even though you are not even registered to vote.

But for all the times I've wanted to disown you as my mom, I have to remember the good stuff too.

You bought me Skittles every day when you picked me up from the babysitter's.

You always made sure I was in front of the TV in time for Sonny and Cher.

You let me spend lots of time with Grandma and Grandpa ... I still miss them to this very day.

You always supported me when you thought I had been wronged by teachers in school.

You let me watch absolutely anything on TV growing up - which was cool!

When my grades slipped in college due to excess partying (see - if only you would have let me go out more in high school, I would have gotten some of it out of my system then), you were pretty understanding (after the initial tirades).

Even though you were a little irrational about it at times, you helped me when the longest romantic relationship of my life ended.

When I bought my first house, you stood by me through the stress of it all.

And yesterday, you brought me the coupons from the Sunday paper ... which is, of course, the most important thing of all.

So mom, I guess I'll keep you. As Pa used to say, "You're alright ... sometimes."

You're just gonna have to stop pissing me off.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Sushi cat, sushi cat - what are they feeding you?

A loyal Lip Schtick reader e-mailed me the picture below to request a proper haiku.


Since I am not one to let a fan down, I'll certainly try my best. Although I do feel a little performance pressure here.

Here goes:

Oh, wise sushi cat -
How I implore you, to please
stop licking your ass.


I know, I know. Not really my best work, but it sure made me laugh.

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Happy birthday to me

Well, it's official. I have just turned 34. And you know what that means?

My age now matches my bra size.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Hip-hop, you don't stop

I am lazy today. There are a million things I want to write about ... so many that I can't seem to get them from my brain to the blog.

So, I'm going to hook you up with a little tidbit I found via Sassy:

http://www.gizoogle.com

Please go to this site, type in your blog's URL, and watch the magic happen right before your very eyes. Gizoogle converts your entire blog into a hip-hop menagerie that would make Snoop Dogg proud.

Then, you MUST comment to me on your new hip-hop blog name.

To whet your whistle, mine is L-to-tha-izzip Schtick.

Thas tight! True dat, yo!

Friday, March 04, 2005

No hail damage here

I would really appreciate it if Clarins would stop using my photo without my permission.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Mom's words of wisdom - Part 2

Birdwoman posted the following comment on Mom's words of wisdom - Part 1:

My mom is still trying to pronounce the word tsunami. She hasn't made it to the bachelor.

Her comment reminded me of another conversation held between myself and Mommie Dearest not so long ago ...

Mom: Did you hear about the tsudami?

LilRed: What the hell is a tsudami?

Mom: You know ... that big wave that hit the Asian shores and killed all of those people. The tsudami.

LilRed: Are you frigging kidding me? (Mind you, I asked her this question not because I hadn't heard about the tsunami, but because of my sheer terror at her pronunciation).

Mom: No, I'm not kidding. It's all over the news. What kind of rock do you live under not to have seen the tsudami?

LilRed: I guess the same rock in which inhabitants of said rock pronounce it "tsudami" instead of "tsunami."

Mom's words of wisdom - Part 1

Here is an actual conversation I had with my mom the day after the finale of The Bachelorette (Tuesday).

Mom: Did you watch The Bachelorette last night?

LilRed: Yes - what a mess! But I think she did the right thing.

Mom: Me too, but I still think I would have picked John Paul. Did you know he had an emergency tracheotomy?

LilRed: What? When?

Mom: I don't know. I guess last night.

LilRed: Where?

Mom: I guess here in Oklahoma City.

LilRed: It couldn't have been here because the finale was broadcast in Los Angeles live.

Mom: I don't know. All I heard on the news last night is that he had an emergency tracheotomy.

The proverbial light bulb switches on in LilRed's head.

LilRed: Hells bells, Mom! Pope John Paul had the emergency tracheotomy ... NOT Bachelor John Paul!

Mom: Oh. Well I guess that would make more sense.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Shoulda picked Ben, Jen

My apologies, people. I have been busier than a cat trying to cover his turds lately (you grimace, but my cat is actually quite diligent at the turd camouflaging).

My attempts to post every day have gone painfully awry lately, so I'm just now getting to the most important topic of the week:

What the hell was Jen thinking?

When Jen Schefft of ABC's The Bachelorette hosed both bachelors Monday night, the collective gasp could be heard 'round the world. OK, maybe not the world, but at least around the Oklahoma City metro area (after all, one of the final two hunks was from OKC).

My best friend called me the next morning, the chagrin in her voice quite prominent ... especially when she referred to Jen as a, and I quote, "whore." She insisted that I put my thoughts into a post. Well, I can't turn down my best friend, especially since I forgot her birthday recently.

So, here I am.

I mentioned a few posts ago that I liked Ben the most. But hindsight tells me that maybe it was best that Jen cut him. I don't think I could have handled another Bennifer.

But believe it or not, I think Jen did the right thing. If she wasn't completely into it with either guy, then I give her props. Snaps for Jen!

Here's how I broke it down:
Verbal communication x stability - sexual spark = John Paul
Sexual spark - inability to express feelings + major hotness = Jerry

Now, if you could put the above equations into one giant word problem, you'd have the perfect guy. But since the perfect guy doesn't exist, we know that'll never happen.

So, I'm OK with Jen's decision. I personally think that even though it would have been wrong, I would have found a way to make it work with one of them. Hells bells! They're hot!

And if lovin' John Paul and Jerry is wrong ... I don't wanna be right!

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