maro Lip Schtick: April 2005p

Saturday, April 30, 2005

I spoke too soon

It appears that the devil has moved from my GI tract and taken refuge in my sinus and throat areas.

I find this ironic, since I read on the Internet just a few days ago when my stomach virus kicked in that the same virus could cause this type of head cold issue.

Ugh.

Needless to say, I'm still not up to full form. Usually when I get this sort of sore throat thing, it gets much worse before it gets better.

Hopefully the devil will leave my body soon and the hijinx can ensue.

But for now, I do have one thing to say about a news update I just came across ...

... see the next post below.

Runaway bride

I'm sure I'm not the only person who is irritated by this.

Georgia woman found, reportedly got cold feet

Don't get me wrong. I'm not so cold hearted that I can't be happy that this woman was found safe and that she was not actually kidnapped.

I just find it frustrating that someone would go to such lengths to avoid going through with her own wedding. Not to mention the humiliation that she put her family and fiance through.

I guess I just believe that if you get cold feet before your wedding, you should do the right thing. Don't run away. Do what countless other before you in the same situation have done.

Go ahead and go through with it so you can miserable about your choice the rest of your life.

OK, OK. Of course I'm being facetious here, so all of you who are clicking the comment button to rip me, slow down a minute.

All I'm saying is that I know people who have been in this position. Some of them went through with it only to regret it.

But others do the smart thing and address the situation head on.

I mean, c'mon. What's more embarrassing? Canceling the wedding? Or concocting your faux kidnapping only to have to come clean following a nationwide bridehunt?

I'll take the former.

And I'll bet now she wishes she would have, too.

Friday, April 29, 2005

I thought the devil lived at WalMart ...

... but apparently he resides in my gastrointestinal tract.

I have made it through the obligatory diarrhea and vomiting ... now I am suffering the end result of a wicked 24-hour stomach virus: weakness and achiness.

So, loyal Lip Schtick readers, I hope to be back on my feet and in full posting condition by tomorrow.

Until then, keep kickin' it, and remember:

Don't be an elevator dillhole.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

An etiquette lesson by LilRed - Chapter 1

Now I may not be Miss Manners, but there are certain things that people should just know via common sense.

But every day I am constantly amazed at what dillholes people can be.

So, to work out my aggression toward said dillholes who constantly go out of their way to piss me off, I've decided to start my own little line of etiquette lessons. Hopefully readers will learn a thing or two. If not, at least I tried.

Today's lesson: elevator etiquette

People, people, people. Am I the only one who knows that it is just logical to let the elevator passengers out before I get in? Apparently I am, because inevitably there is some jagoff who stands directly in front of the elevator - blocking my exit!

Stop this! It's not a difficult concept!

I'll break it down for those who are having a hard time grasping the idea:

Passengers out first - then you get on.

See? It's easy!

And another thing ...

...If you see someone coming, hold the elevator. It's the right thing to do. Besides, those ten seconds you're saving by hosing someone don't really amount to much in the long run.

Plus, it's good for karmic relations. And God knows we could all use some good karma.

So there you have it - lesson one.

Don't be an elevator dillhole.

Pass it on. Please.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Devil and the deep blue sea / LilRed's artist showcase

A few nights ago I had a dream that scared the crap out of me.

I'm walking along the beach on a beautifully sunny day. My feet frolic along in the warm ocean water ... I am happy as a clam (pun intended).

All of a sudden, I hear a dog barking behind me. Being an animal lover, I immediately went to strike up a friendship with the puppy.

Until I noticed that it was a black little devil dog with yellow eyes the size of saucers and black upturned footballs for pupils.

As I ran like hell, he kept running after me ... smiling. He kept saying, "C'mon pet me! I'm not so bad! Pet me! Pet me!"

I know. This doesn't sound scary at all. But I was terrified. Those eyes. They reminded me of that whacked out "Outer Limits" episode where those little bug creatures had those gigantic scary-ass eyes.

The next thing I know, I was on the ledge of a beach house kicking and trying to shoo the dog away, crying like I've never cried before. I was convinced the devil dog was gonna get me.

I would love it if someone would send me their rendering of what this dog looked like, because I would certainly post it if it came close (with full credit given to the artist, of course). I tried, but I am a sucky artist.

Here's what you need for the drawing:

Dog
Black
Slightly larger than a weenie-dog
Pointy devil ears
Evil yellow eyes that are completely disproportionate to the body, i.e., HUGE
Black oval shaped pupils

Give it your best shot. Then e-mail it to me at bloggirl33@yahoo.com (a jpg file would be best).

I want loyal readers to see what I was so afraid of ...

... so they can laugh at me.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

A WalMart haiku, if you will (the sequel's sequel)

Beelzebub smiles
upon his henchmen of doom ...
Hades? No - WalMart!

A WalMart haiku, if you will
A WalMart Haiku, if you will (the sequel)

Friday, April 22, 2005

Dressed to imperfection

Let's face it - I'm no Cojo. But men, unless you're Detective Sipowicz, I'm gonna have to ask that you please refrain from sporting the short sleeve dress shirt with tie ensemble.

And while we're at it, let's 86 the Sansabelt pants.

Thanks, and have a great day.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Can I get an amen?

First let me say that soon I will go back to my regular posts about cat hair, turds, stupid people - you know, things that people really like to read about. But for now ...

Yesterday made me sad.

Not just because of the bombing anniversary, but because something as cool, traditional and historical as election of a new Pope had to be surrounded with negativity, skepticism and drama.

I am not Catholic. I will probably never be Catholic. I don't align my thinking with Catholic doctrine.

But the thing I do appreciate about the Catholic religion is the tradition. The ritualistic nature of the services. The pomp and circumstance, if you will, that surrounds the death, burial and election of a Pope.

I have found the past month very interesting as far as Pope John Paul II's passing and the election of Benedict XVI. I was glued to the TV set during PPJ's death, and I was again engrossed yesterday during the introduction of the new leader of the Catholic world. In fact, I was like a giddy schoolgirl when the white smoke bellowed, the bells tolled, and the new Pope emerged.

That's history, folks. Something you don't get to witness every day.

But no sooner than I could grasp the new image of one of the most powerful leaders on the globe, did I have to endure the immediate ragging.

First about the papal name chosen: Benedict XVI. What is the big whoop? So what if the last Benedict wasn't so highly regarded in Pope-dom. I can see it being a big deal if he wanted to be re-named something like, oh, Adolf. Now that would be offensive. He is from Germany, after all.

Sidebar: Before I get hate mail about the Adolf reference, I am being facetious. It's called humor, people. Bad humor, maybe. But still humor. So just to be clear: I do not like Adolf Hitler.

Back to the issue at hand.

First we have the displeasure with the name. Then the immediate negativity about the choice of the Pope himself.

And why? Because he's too conservative?

Um, hello? Isn't the Pope supposed to be conservative?

Because it seems on the surface that he doesn't want to sway with the winds of change?

Well, I may not agree with that philosophy, but I do give the guy points for standing by what he truly believes.

It just seems that we are not happy anymore unless we have something or someone to complain about ...

Red state vs. blue state.

Pull the feeding tube or don't.

The new Pope is too ... whatever

Again. It just makes me sad.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Seems like yesterday

Need a reason to remember April 19, 1995? Here are 168:

Lucio Aleman Jr
Teresa Alexander
Richard Allen
Ted Allen
Baylee Almon
Diane E. Althouse
Rebecca Anderson
Pamela Cleveland Argo
Saundra G. Avery
Peter Avillanoza
Calvin Battle
Peola Battle
Danielle Bell
Oleta Biddy
Shelly Bland
Andrea Y. Blanton
Olen Bloomer
Lola Bolden
James E. Boles
Mark A. Bolte
Cassandra Kay Booker
Carol Bowers
Peachlyn Bradley
Woodrow Clifford Brady
Cynthia Brown
Paul Broxterman
Gabreon Bruce
Kimberly Ruth Burgess
David Neil Burkett
Donald Earl Burns, Sr.
Karen Gist Carr
Michael Carrillo
Rona Linn Kuehner-Chafey
Zackary Chavez
Robert N. Chipman
Kimberly Kay Clark
Dr. Margaret Louise"Peggy" Clark
Antonio Ansara Cooper Jr.
Dana Cooper
Anthony ChristopherCooper II
Harley Richard Cottingham
Kim R. Cousins
Aaron Coverdale
Elijah Coverdale
Jaci Rae Coyne
Katherine Louise"Kathy" Cregan
Richard Leroy Cummins
Steven Douglas Curry
Brenda Faye Daniels
Benjamin L. Davis
Diana Lynn Day
Peter L. DeMaster
Castine Brooks Hearn Deveroux
Sheila R. Gigger Driver and baby
Tylor Eaves
Ashley Meagan Eckles
Susan Jane Ferrell
Carrol June "Chip" Fields
Katherine Ann Finley
Judy Fisher
Linda Louise Florence
Donald Lee and Mary Anne Fritzler
Tevin Garrett
Laura Washington Garrison
Jamie Lee Genzer
Margaret Betterton Goodson
Kevin Lee Gottshall II
Ethel Griffin
Colleen Guiles
Randy Guzman
Cheryl Bradley Hammon
Ronald Vernon Harding, Sr.
Thomas Lynn Hawthorne, Sr.
Doris Adele Higginbottom
Anita Hightower
Gene Hodges, Jr.
Peggy Louise Holland
Linda Coleen Housley
George Michael Howard
Wanda Lee Howell
Robbin Ann Huff and baby
Dr. Charles andAnna Jean Hurlburt
Paul Douglas Ice
Christi Jenkins
Norma Jean Johnson
Raymond Johnson
Larry J. Jones
Alvin Justes
Blake Ryan Kennedy
Carole Khalil
Valerie Koelsch
Carolyn Ann Kreymborg
Teresa Lea Lauderdale
Catherine Mary"Kathy" Leinen
Carrie Ann Lenz and baby
Donald Ray Leonard
LaKesha R. Levy
Dominique London
Rheta Ione (Bender) Long
Michael Loudenslager
Aurelia Donna and Robert L. Luster Jr.
Mickey Maroney
James Martin
Rev. Gilbert Martinez
James A. McCarthy
Kenneth Glenn McCullough
Betsy Janice McGonnell
Linda Gail McKinney
Cartney Jean McRaven
Claude Medearis
Claudette Meek
Frankie Ann Merrell
Derwin Miller
Eula Leigh Mitchell
John C. Moss III
Ronota Ann Newberry-Woodbridge
Patricia Nix
Jerry Lee Parker
Jill Diane Randolph
Michelle Reeder
Terry S. Rees
Mary L. Rentie
Antonio "Tony" Reyes
Kathryn Elizabeth Ridley
Trudy Rigney
Claudine Ritter
Christine Nicole Rosas
Sonja Lynn Sanders
Lanny L. Scroggins
Kathy Lynn Seidl
Leora Lee Sells
Karan Shepherd
Colton Wade Smith andChase Dalton Smith
Victoria Lee Sohn
John T. Stewart
Dolores M. Stratton
Emilio Rangel Tapia
Victoria J. Texter
Charlotte Andrea Lewis Thomas
Michael GeorgeThompson
Virginia Thompson
Kayla Titsworth
Rick L. Tomlin
LaRue and Luther Treanor
Larry L. Turner
Jules Valdez
John K. Van Ess
Johnny Allen Wade
David Jack Walker
Robert Walker Jr.
Wanda Watkins
Michael Don Weaver
Julie Marie Welch
Robert Westberry
Alan G. Whicher
Jo Ann Whittenberg
Frances Williams
Scott Williams
William Stephen Williams
Clarence Eugene Wilson
Sharon Louis Wood-Chestnut
Tresia Worton
John A. Youngblood

Monday, April 18, 2005

Regret

As I headed back to the office, the radio airwaves were full with news reports from downtown Oklahoma City.

It was obvious then that this was much more than I was going to be able to fully grasp anytime soon.

Then I saw him.

The man that wanted me to take him back to his car was walking northbound along the highway that splits downtown and the capitol area.

I just kept driving. I was too terrified to go back and pick him up. Obviously he was not in the right frame of mind.

I regret my decision to not go back for him to this day.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

What if?

I was on my way to my mom's building when, it hit me. What if it was a terrorist's bomb that blew up the building? And if so, what is the significance of that building?

It only stood to reason to me that if someone was going to blow up that building (you see, at that time I had no idea it was the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building), then why wouldn't they try to blow up the Liberty Tower? After all, it's the tallest building in downtown Oklahoma City. It just seemed logical.

I then started to panic.

I ran into my mom's office, only to find her sitting at her desk ... cool as a cucumber. There were ceiling tiles all over the floor; all of the wall hangings were crooked.

"Hey! What are you doing here?" She seemed happy to see me.

"What do you mean 'what am I doing here' ... haven't you looked outside?"

"I did look outside," she said. "But all I saw was a cloud of thick smoke."

The Kerr-McGee building was blocking her view. And even with the obstruction, the damage to the Murrah building was on the opposite side.

"Well, there appears to have been an explosion at some building on 5th Street," I noted.

"Interesting," she nonchalantly answered.

My mother has always been one of those people who are completely unaffected by their surroundings. You could poke her in the eye with a stick and she might say something to the effect of, "Hmmm. That's a little painful. Do you think you could remove the stick from my eye?"

"Is that all you can say?" I shouted. "Look, this is bad news. I think it could have been a bomb. And if they're gonna bomb that random building, you can bet they've had designs on this one as well. I think you should get the hell out of here."

She then turned back to her computer.

"I'm sure everything will be fine," she quipped. "You always get so worked up."

"I'm not worked up, Mom. I'm just concerned. I was just down there and there are bloody, injured people everywhere. I have no doubt that some people must have been killed."

"You should probably head back to work before they miss you."

"Suit yourself. But I'm gonna be pissed if this building gets blown up and I'm left without a mother," I barked back.

She just shook her head. I knew I wouldn't be able to convince her.

The Liberty Tower was evacuated an hour later.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

Helpless

"Miss? Could you take me to my car?"

I felt a hand on my shoulder as I heard the words. When I turned around, I faced a man who had blood coming from his forehead. I wondered what must have hit him in the head to cause a gash like that.

"Where is your car, Sir?" I asked, wanting so much to help him.

"It's at the capitol."

"The state capitol?" I asked. As if there were so many capitols to which he could possibly be referring.

"Yes. The state capitol," he answered.

"I don't understand, Sir. If you're car is at the capitol, how did you get here?"

He never did give me a definitive answer on how he made it from point A to point B. But let me clarify: the state capitol is nowhere near the Murrah Building site. Well, it's near it, but not walking distance. The two locations are on different sides of the highway. No one would walk from one place to the other. Especially in an non-pedestrian-friendly city like Oklahoma City.

"Miss, I have to get to my car. Could you please take me?" He seemed so desperate.

"No, sir. I can't take you to your car," I told him. "I think you should come over here (I tried to walk him to the curb with the others) to wait for the appropriate help."

"I have to get to my car," he shrugged.

And then he walked away.

I'm embarrassed to admit this now, but when he left I was somewhat relieved. He wouldn't listen to me. And he was so confused. I just didn't know how to help him.

I stood around for the next few minutes in awe. There was so much damage ... so many injured people.

What could have caused this?

When the paramedics and police started to arrive, I figured it was time for me to go. They could handle this mess.

At least I hoped they could.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Unbelievable

As I neared NW 5th Street, I couldn't have imagined what I was in for.

It just so happened that I was one of the first people on the scene (I think it took me about three minutes to get there from the time I left my office).

Then I turned the corner and saw it. Complete and utter disaster. There was smoke pouring from a building I had never noticed before. Half of the structure was gone.

There weren't even any police or fire personnel there yet.

Everywhere I looked there were people covered in debris, blood, or both.

I specifically remember noticing one gentleman who looked as if he was made of insulation. Only he was gray from head to toe.

People didn't seem panicked at that point. They were just dazed.

Bloody people were helping the even bloodier to their positions along the curb. Help had to be on its way.

Soon.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Stop running!

"It must be a gas explosion," I kept thinking as I barreled toward downtown Oklahoma City.

From eight miles away, I couldn't tell exactly from which building the plumes of smoke arose. I only knew that it looked like it was coming from my mom's building. She was working at what was then the Liberty Tower (now the Bank One Tower).

I didn't tell my boss where I was going. I didn't care if I got in trouble for leaving. I was on my way to make sure Mom was OK.

I pulled onto Broadway from the NW 10th Street exit. Abandoned cars with the windows blown out dotted the streets. It was quite obvious that the drivers of these cars got the hell out of them when they felt the explosion. It didn't matter where the cars were. They just left them there.

I pulled into a parking lot (I think it was some sort of automotive business). It didn't matter where I parked because at that moment, no one really cared.

The first thing I noticed was the glass all over the ground. I couldn't see the concrete. So much glass.

I was parked a few blocks away from Liberty Tower, but I could see now that the smoke was not coming from there. I was relieved, but I still had to get to Mom's building to check on her.

I started running. I don't know why, because my instinct was telling me she would be fine. But I still ran.

As I ran I noticed there were people everywhere. A woman was coming at me, but I didn't realize until she came up and grabbed me by the shoulders that she meant business.

"Stop running!" she shouted.

"I'm just trying to get to my mother," I gasped.

"I understand that," she replied. "But if you trip and fall onto all of this glass, you're going to really get hurt. Where does your mother work?"

"She's in the Liberty Tower."

"Well then she should be fine. The explosion came from over there." She pointed toward NW 5th Street.

"OK, I'll stop running," I said, as I started to walk toward the site.

"Be careful!" she yelled.

"You, too!" I shouted back.

I never saw her again.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

9:01 a.m.

"What the f*ck was that?" I heard a co-worker scream from the back of the building, as I literally grabbed onto the front of my desk to hold on.

At the time, I worked at an office that was located on the I-235 service road.

I turned to a woman who shared my office. "A truck must have rolled down from the highway and hit our building," I remarked, still holding onto the desk.

Her jaw, still dropped from the thunderous boom we had just witnessed, remained locked.

I raced outside to see whatever it was I could see.

I saw no truck. No commotion around our building.

But as I looked eight miles south toward downtown Oklahoma City, I saw it: the thick stream of black smoke.

Without so much as a second thought, I hurried back inside, grabbed my keys, and jumped in my car.

I had no idea what I was headed toward.

Had I known, I probably would never have gone.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Is it OK to be sexy? Okiedoke wants to know.

As loyal readers know, Mike at Okiedoke recently won the Lip Schtick guest blogger challenge. I have to admit, I was quite pleased that a fellow Oklahoman won, and such a fine blogger at that.

Be sure to check out his site early and often - and be sure to tell him LilRed says "Hi!"

Thank you to the other awesome bloggers who played ... I certainly hope you all check back soon for more tomfoolery - Lip Schtick style.

So, without further ado, I give you (via my blogalicious buddy Mike):

Is it OK to be sexy?

Being a wise-ass blogger myself, I thought it appropriate to use this opportunity as a guest on a women's blog to raise a serious question I have as a male: How do women view being "sexy"?

My take is that men and women don't always see eye to eye when it comes to a sexy female. Now, I'm not talking gorgeous or slutty, I'm suggesting an attractive woman with an air of confidence, charm and wit. A regular gal whose demeanor appeals to both sexes.

Or is this even possible?

As a 51 year old man, I can appreciate sexy mature women along with the traditional Hollywood starlit types. And a woman's sexiness does not depend on the amount of her make-up or the height of her skirt. While I still enjoy the sight of a nude woman, being sexy to me doesn't require the desire to "do it" and envision her naked. Perhaps my own definition of sexy is askew.

I set up a website to recognize Oklahoma women who are both sexy and in a position of power. I have received a wide variety of responses to this endeavor; from "slightly insane" to "neat idea". Both men and women have submitted nominees as among

Oklahoma's Sexiest Power Women.

The variety of nominees is testament to people's broad views of sexiness. Even staff at the Central Oklahoma Affiliate of the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation are suggesting the Board of Directors consider sponsoring the activity as a possible fundraiser.

In any case, this sexy woman thing confuses me. And I think it also confuses young girls and boys. Are mature women even comfortable with being sexy? Is it only used for the purpose of enticing a mate?

What does "sexy" even mean anymore?

Thanks again, Mike. It has indeed been fun ... hope to do it again real soon.

You should receive my nomination (for myself of course) any day now.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Takes one to know one

A new Lip Schtick reader, Bobby P., recently commented on a previous post by yours truly:

Not to be hitting on you, but you seem like a dream girl. You're funny and you love the NCAA's. Come on, come clean, you're really a guy aren't you? Say something girly to prove you are one.

First, Bobby - Thanks for the compliment. I do think that maybe you are hitting on me, though. But don't worry. The Oklahoma City dating pool is shallow; I take a compliment where I can get it.

Second - I can see how I could be mistaken for a guy. I think women are hot, I love sports (especially collegiate sports), and I am prone to emotional unavailabl when it suits me.

But, I can assure you that I am 100% female, and if I do say so myself, a dream girl indeed. Unfortunately, most men haven't quite been able to grasp this fact about me.

But, as I've mentioned in past Lip Schtick posts, I aim to please my loyal readers. You asked me to say "something girly" to prove that I am a girl.

Well, here goes:

"Do these pants make me look fat?"

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Put up or shut up

Within the past week, I have had arguments with two women I work with at my second job ... the one I do for fun to make some extra cash.

I really enjoy the job and the folks I work with. But these particular women and I seem to butt heads quite often (names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent):

Jan is passive aggressive in her rudeness, and
Sally can be extremely lazy and dishonest.

Following tonight's argument with Sally, I drove home feeling a little out of sorts.

Was I wrong to call these women to the carpet for things that most people would just blow off? Was I too quick to opt for confrontation? Am I just a meanie?

What I decided is this:

#1 - Sometimes my delivery can be a little abrupt. This is something I should work on.

#2 - Confrontation can be a good thing ... as long as the people involved "fight fairly."

and finally,

#3 - I am now 34 years old and know what I want out of life. And what I want, unlike say, 10 years ago, is to no longer put up with the overwhelming amount of incessant stupidity that people around me dole out on a regular basis.

If that means that I drink from the pool of the meanies ...

... then make mine a double.

Friday, April 08, 2005

One tough cookie

I bought my first Girl Scout cookies this year. And I have to tell you, I don't see what all the fuss is about.

I know, I know. Blasphemy!

But just give me a plain old Nutter Butter and I'm good to go. Or an E.L.Fudge ... a Chips Ahoy.

Plus, I need to know that my cookies are there for me when I need them. If I want to run to my local Albertson's and pick up a package of Deluxe Grahams, then so be it.

None of this ordering and waiting for my cookies to arrive crap.

I need the instant gratification.

And the sugar.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

If it doesn't fit ... you must admit

I admit it it. I made a mistake.

Marinade Dave reminded me that Prince Rainier would be fourth in the death count. I forgot about the death of the one and only Johnnie Cochran.

But I still don't think this gets Entertainment Tonight off the hook.

Three and out

I've always heard that notable deaths happen in threes. Last week, following the passing of Terry Schiavo and Pope John Paul II, I wondered who would be third. Meet your #3:

Prince Rainier Dies at 81

A little ironic, since a report ran just last night on Entertainment Tonight that rumors of Rainier's death were false.

Hmmmmmm.

Maybe Oliver Stone should look into this.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

WalMart still sucks

As if this would actually work:

WalMart tries to polish image with media fest

That's like Satan trying to plug Hell as a nice little vacation getaway.

We have a winner!

Because he's a good rule follower, and because he checks in regularly to Lip Schtick to meet his NCAA men's basketball deadlines, I hereby declare Okiedoke the winner of the coveted guest blogger spot!

Okiedoke - I'll check in with you soon for details.

Congrats!

Saturday, April 02, 2005

And then there were three ...

March Madness will officially end Monday evening ... and so will the quest for LilRed's Lip Schtick guest blogger.

The finalists are:

Okiedoke
Chase
Rick Neuheisel

So, gentlemen. Your next step is to send me a comment with your picks for the final two teams. Pretty easy. In the event of a tie, be sure to watch Lip Schtick for your next step toward victory.
The catch is that you must send me your picks before the first game starts today ... hey, that's plenty of time. They don't start until 5 p.m. CST.

Now, as I mentioned when this whole thing started, I get to make the rules. So, if I don't get your picks before 5 p.m. CST today, you will be disqualified.

So go to it!

Happy picking!

Friday, April 01, 2005

Cereal killer

Companies are always revising their products "to appeal to a wider audience." As a person who generally fears change, I prefer the mantra of "if it ain't broke, don't fix it."

So, you can imagine my chagrin when I noticed white chocolate Reese's on the shelves at my local grocer. Or when I came across the new, more tropical versions of Skittles (and mint Skittles? Who the hell thought that was a good idea?).

Now, I'm an avid Apple Jacks fan. No, I'm not six. They're just awesome! They taste good and they don't get soggy.

A few years ago the wizards at Kellogg's decided it would be fun add green Jacks to the mix. But why? They don't taste any differently than the pink ones.

I know, I know. One could argue that the pink represents red apples and the green represents green apples. All I'm saying is why didn't they think of that when the product was first invented? Then they would have always been pink and green, and I wouldn't have to face my OCD-induced neuroses! Ugh!

I'm sure I can hear the talk in the Apple Jackasses' board room:

"Maybe if we throw some green Jacks in there, we'll sell a lot more. You know, there must be an overwhelming outcry for green Jacks. The world will be a better place with the green Jacks!"

I finally decided I would have to suck it up and deal with the green Jacks, simply because of my own argument above. They didn't taste any differently. After all, if they did, they would no longer be Apple Jacks, right?

So when I opened a brand spanking new box of Jacks last week, only to find that my precious little O's of fun had been turned into X-shaped devils, you can picture my horror!

Well, they weren't all X's. Just the frigging green ones!

The X's were supposed to promote some stupid contest or crappy puzzle on the outside of the box.

Well, I tell you, I just can't have it, people. Why can't we just leave well enough alone?

Apple Jacks are supposed to be round, and pink ... certainly NOT green and X-shaped!

Lord, please deliver me from the marketing evils of the Apple Jacks hierarchy. It's more than I can bear.

And to these so-called marketing geniuses, I implore you:

Please STOP jacking with my jacks.

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