maro Lip Schtick: May 2005p

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Booby trap

Jack Burden at Happy Fun Cog has an interesting dilemma:

To ogle or not to ogle?

When it comes to the question of whether or not Jack should sneak a peek at a co-worker's cleavage, I say this:

As a female who enjoys looking at other women's cleavage (let's face it, you don't have to be a lesbian to appreciate a nice rack), I can understand his dilemma.

Unfortunately, it's just tacky to look while he's engaged in a conversation with Big Jill and the twins.

So, I say the solution is to wait until later when she walks by your desk. Then you can cop a peek as she saunters by.

Or, better yet, walk past her in the lunch room while she's eating. Then you can get a nice aerial view, and she'll be none the wiser.

Hope this helps.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

What is wrong with people? - #5

Those who ignore the lessons of the past are doomed to repeat them.

Or something like that.

You may recall the hot water University of Oklahoma head baseball coach Larry Cochell got himself into a few weeks ago. If you hadn't heard, here's an excerpt from Chase about the very subject:

Recently resigned University of Oklahoma baseball coach Larry Cochell quipped in a private meeting with two ESPN announcers late last month that an African-American freshman outfielder for OU, Joe Dunigan, didn't have "any nigger in him," and then went on to explain that "there are honkies and white people and there are niggers and black people. Dunigan is a good black kid."

I'm sure we can all agree that the statement was just plain stupid on Cochell's part.

So, imagine my chagrin when a woman I know tried to engage me in the following conversation yesterday:

Stupid woman: A neighbor of mine's pit bull attacked my pit bull when Fred was walking her.

LilRed: Really?

Stupid woman: Yes. This neighbor's dog has been a problem before because the owners don't make sure it stays in their yard.

LilRed: Hmmmm.

At this point, I'm already bored with the conversation.

Stupid woman: So, the dog comes running out of their yard and bites my dog on the leg.

LilRed: Is she OK?

Stupid woman: Yeah, she's OK. She had to have stitches, but should be fine. The owner of the other dog told Fred, "I bet my dog could take on your dog." Then Fred said, "You don't want me to let my dog go on yours ..."

LilRed (interjecting): Oh, that's classy. You guys need to grow up a little and not use your dogs to antagonize one another.

Stupid woman: But you have to understand. My neighbor is ... well, all I can say is that there are black people and there are niggers.

LilRed: Whoa! You have REALLY crossed a line now. And a ridiculous comment like that is the very comment that got Larry Cochell fired last month (although I'm quite sure she has no idea who Larry Cochell is). Your neighbor's race has nothing to do with whether or not he's a good neighbor, dog owner, or human being.

Stupid woman: Hey! White people can be niggers too!

LilRed: Oh dear God! What the hell are you talking about?! Please stop saying that word NOW.
At this point, I just walked away hoping that the stupidity would go no further.

Are you frigging kidding me? What in the world is wrong with people?

I will never understand what motivates people to be not only be that stupid, but that irresponsible.

Never.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Tag! I'm it - #1

Blogger gal pal Helen has passed the musical baton to yours truly ...

I've been meme-fied!

Here goes:

Total volume of music files on my computer
None. I am completely illiterate when it comes to all of that crap. A friend tried to explain to me how to download music, but gave up when my blank stare kicked in.

The last CD I bought was
Pneumonia by Whiskeytown

Song playing right now
Closing Time by Semisonic

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me
1) Miss Freelove by Hoodoo Gurus
2) Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana
3) Alive by Pearl Jam
4) One by U2
5) Push by Matchbox Twenty

Five people to whom I am passing the baton
Lady Godiva
CG Hill
Mike
The Incurable Insomniac
Moo Alex

OK, fab five. It's up to you to keep the musical vibe going.

Don't screw it up.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

The evil that men do

I like Dustbury. He's smart. He's relevant.

And he enjoyed my previous post about the suckiness of pantyhose / yeast infections.

Unfortunately, he had a commenter on the subject who had this to say about the dilemma:

Okay, yeast infections, stipulated. So what's wrong with a nice garter belt and a pair of stockings?

Now, I'm sure the guy who made this query is a nice guy. In fact, I checked out his blog, and he seems alright.

But the key part of this is that he is, well, a guy.

Sure. Garter belts and stockings are hot. And I don't mean hot as in temperature. They're sexy and very sensual.

But the fact is, they're just plain impractical.

You can't wear them with most pants (the belts straps make funny little bumps underneath the pantlegs).

And when you wear them under a skirt or dress, you have to make damn sure you sit in a cloth-covered chair. Otherwise, you stand up, only to shriek in pain when your skin is pulled off in the slightly exposed area of leg that stuck to the chair.

Trust me. This experience is neither sexy, nor sensual. Especially when it happens at a gala - in front of hundreds of other people - and you have to scream in silence following the excruciating rip of flesh.

So, guys. Unless you plan to start wearing those little belts that hold up your socks, don't expect us to make garter belts and stockings a mainstay of everyday dress.

Men. Can't live with 'em ...

... can't hang 'em by their neckties.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

The seven year itch

A male colleague tried to convince me some time ago (in reference to the need for company dress codes) that wearing a tie is just as uncomfortable as having to wear pantyhose.

My response?

"When wearing a necktie in the scorching summer heat gives you a yeast infection, then I'll believe that a tie is just as uncomfortable as pantyhose."

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Isn't it ironic?

I find it very interesting that as I checked my blog stats this morning, I noticed that a user found Lip Schtick via the following Google search:

WalMart and the KKK

Amazing (and quite frightening) that someone would use those two evil empires in the same query.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Kendra Trumps Tana

The Donald has chosen his first female apprentice, and I couldn't be happier with his pick.

Don't get me wrong. I've been a fan of Tana's for most of the season. That is, until she decided to go to bed instead of completing a task.

Now, I understand the need for sleep. There is no way I could pull the all-nighters of which I used to be quite capable in college.

But I found it interesting that as Tana clawed and scratched to plead her case in tonight's live finale, she ended up (as my Grandpa used to say), "showing her ass."

Tana made a HUGE deal about how the shape of the Pontiac Solstice brochure, which brought much acclaim from the Pontiac corporation members, was her idea. She actually became very Arsenio Hall-esque as she "whoop-whoop-whooped" her case.

Kendra, the new apprentice, handled this display quite gracefully. She gave credit where credit was due - to Tana.

My only problem with Tana's toot-toot-tooting of her own horn is this:

If you were so passionate about your idea for the brochure, then couldn't you have stayed awake long enough to see your idea come to fruition? I guess not, especially when you could leave the task in the new apprentice's more than capable hands.

Good job, Kendra the Apprentice.

You deserve it.

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Double trouble

This is the kind of thing that keeps me awake nights:

Why is it pronounced double-u and not double-v?

I mean, isn't that what a "W" is ... two Vs smashed together?

I don't get it.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Just say Do ... ritos

I believe I may have just OD'd on Cool Ranch Doritos.

Either that, or the effect they have had on my breath has rendered me unconscious.

Monday, May 16, 2005

A model citizen (or, LilRed's gift to you)

I had drinks last week with a couple of sorority sisters that I hadn't seen since graduation. It seemed like no time had passed as they caught me up on their lives during the past twelve years.

When we reached the obligatory "Whatever happened to..." portion of the evening, they informed me of who got married, who is already divorced, who has children, etc., etc.

But the most important revelation of the evening, and the one I thought I'd share with you, is the success of one of our house boy friends as a model in New York.

Aside: For those wondering, "What the hell is a house boy...?" A house boy is the antiquated, yet damn funny term for, well, the waiters who served dinners to us at mealtimes in the sorority house.

Oh, before you get all "how elitist" on me ... don't. Those guys LOVED being house boys. The work was minimal (maybe two hours a day), they got paid, and they got to eat three squares with about 100 girls every day.

You do the math: 100 girls to seven house boys. That's a pretty good ratio, even if you have to work under the title of "house boy."

But back to the original point.

One of our house boys has apparently started to hit the big time in New York as a model.

Now, he was always a great guy. Very friendly, down-to-earth, funny, you name it. But somehow I never saw him as the model type.

How wrong I was.

So, my gift to you, this fine Monday, is this (buckle up, ladies and gay men, you're in for a treat).
Hell, straight men are in for a treat, too (please, just put your homophobia aside for a second).

This guy is just plain hot.

KeithKeaveney.com

Be patient. Sometimes it takes a few seconds for the site to load.

But trust me, you won't be disappointed.

If only I would have known then what I know now.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Where there's a Will, there's dismay

Once again I have hyped something up only to be disappointed.

I have been anxiously awaiting the return of Will Ferrell to Saturday Night Live ever since he left a few seasons ago.

I just finished watching his first gig as guest host, and well, I was less than amused.

The monologue with the faux pee effect? Mildly amusing.

He did get points for the Jeopardy! sketch. It was probably the highlight of the show.

But what the hell was that Nunni crap? And the cracked pepper skit? Even the Robert Goulet sketch fell flat.

I don't know what I was expecting.

Yes I do. I expected to laugh out loud like in the good ol' days of Will Ferrell and the Spartan Cheerleaders, Marty Culp, and the infamous "More Cowbell" sketch.

Maybe next time.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

It's true ... I'm SAD

Last night's storm was awesome. I love rainy weather. The worst part about it, though, was waking up this morning to the sunshine.

This is a little-known fact about me.

I have reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Not that I've ever actually been diagnosed with SAD. I just know that I am far more energetic and productive when it's rainy.

Some of you may be thinking, "LilRed, you crazy!"

Exactly. I am crazy. About the rain, that is.

I got so much done at work yesterday because it was cloudy. I managed to take a load of donations to the Jesus House for the homeless. I got home last night and did chores like a madwoman while it stormed, and still managed to sneak in a few episodes of my Melrose Place re-runs (handily recorded on my Cox Cable DVR - shameless plug intended).

I went to bed feeling great about the day's activities (hey - who needs an active social life on Friday nights when you can clean the house and watch Melrose?).

These feelings were instantly washed away as the morning sun peaked through my blinds. My first thought at the sight of the bright light?

"Eeeew. The sun."

That's my revelation for the day, Lip Schtick readers. I like the rain ... the sun, not so much.

So, fellow reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder sufferers unite.

You are not alone.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Will you still need me ... will you still feed me...

... when I'm 64?

It occurred to me today that I must have aged 30 years overnight.

How did I come to this realization, you ask? Well, here is an actual conversation I had today:

Anonymous colleague: How're ya doin' today?

LilRed: Well, I didn't really get much sleep last night. My sinuses were draining, and you know how that can cause a sore throat. Plus, with the weather change ...

At about this moment I noticed the glazed yet perturbed look across AC's face.

I quickly realized that people don't actually want to hear how you're doing when they ask how you're doing.

They want a simple "Fine."

Or, "Great, thanks!"

Or, "Good, how are you?"

Just like I don't want to hear about an elderly lady's hemorrhoids when I'm just trying to be friendly.

Sheesh. I don't know how it happens, but one day you're 34 and fabulous.

The next day, you're 64 and snotty.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

It's been a long time

I never meant for a week to go by without a post. Since I started Lip Schtick, I tried to be faithful and post every day, or at least every other day.

But a couple of weeks ago, Satan moved into my body and disguised himself as the stomach flu, then a massive head cold.

He then fled from my body and apparently took residence inside my computer, because Blogger has not allowed me to post for days.

But here I am, back from the dead.

Good things will hopefully happen tomorrow. But even if they don't, you'll still hear about it.

I know you're at the edge of your seat.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Viva Ron Mexico!

I know, I know. I am way behind the times on this. But I got busy, and then I got sick ... well, you know how these things go.

But for the few of you who live under that proverbial rock ...

Recently Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was reported to use the Alias "Ron Mexico" when he was tested for herpes.

Ron Mexico? Are you frigging kidding me?

Aliases are supposed to sound like regular, run-of-the-mill names, aren't they?

But since I'm not one to let a good opportunity for fun go by, feel free to use the link below to get your own "Ron Mexico" alias (courtesy of Gorilla Mask, of course)!

Ron Mexico Name Generator

Then I must insist that you send me your new "Ron Mexico" name!

That's your assignment for today.

Sincerely,
Leelee Aruba

Monday, May 02, 2005

The Incurable Insomniac wants a piece of the action

Not to be outplayed by the lovely Chevy Rose, the Incurable Insomniac writes:

I apologize for not taking your challenge seriously. I did draw a Devil Dog ... but I didn't send it to you. Here it is.



Oh dear Lord. More comedic gold from another of my fave bloggers.

Still, not scary as hell like the devil dog (i.e., this rendering doesn't make me reach for my "Oops! I crapped my pants!" undergarments).

But I break down The Incurable Insomniac's interpretation like this (on a 10 point scale, and based on my original call for devil dogs):

Dog: This definitely resembles a dog, so I give you a 10.

Black: You got the black right, so 10.

Slightly larger than a weenie-dog: I think you go the size right here - 10

Pointy devil ears: Definitely pointy - 10

Evil yellow eyes that are completely disproportionate to the body, i.e., HUGE: Unfortunately, here's where you get docked. The eyes just aren't huge enough. I'm telling you. The dog in my nightmare had eyes the size of salad plates. Ultra scary! But you got the yellow right. I'm gonna give you a 6 here.

Black oval shaped pupils: They're oval shaped, but still not quite big enough - 6

Overall scary factor: Although the dog looks extremely similar to the devil dog, it's just not scary enough. I say 7.

Now. Here's where LilRed's double secret extra credit comes in:

Use of sophomoric humor, i.e., showing dog in mid-poop: 10!!!

Not too shabby, Incurable Insomniac. You got 69 out of a possible 80 points! Excellent!

And by the way, my friend. Always take the challenges seriously.

Because even if no one else gets a kick out of them, I sure as hell do.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Chevy steps up to the plate

You may recall a few posts ago that I shared a nightmare that scared the crap outta me involving the devil dog.

You may also recall that I put out a call for fellow bloggers to share their interpretations of the devil dog based upon my brief description (I had to keep it brief in an attempt to not soil myself just thinking about that scary-ass dog).

Well, it seemed there would be no takers. That is until two nights ago when I checked my e-mail.

God love that Chevy Rose, as she is the first to step up to the challenge of portraying the devil dog.

Granted, her portrayal isn't quite right, but hey, she gets major points for even trying.


I'm sorry, but that's just plain comedy. Not scary like the devil dog, but good stuff nonetheless. I got such a chuckle out of that photo ... words can do it no justice.

So, Chevy, I thank you. I have felt like utter crap for four straight days and you managed to crack me up.

As I said when I wrote the original devil dog post that I would give full credit to whomever was up to the challenge of sending me their best try.

Well, if there are any other willing participants out there, give it your best shot. Send your JPEG file to bloggirl33@yahoo.com ... but I warn you.

It'll be hard to outdo that Chevy.

She's good people.

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