maro Lip Schtick: June 2005p

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

30,000 and still counting

No, I'm not talking about the notches on my bedpost.

I'm referring to the 30,000 hits to Lip Schtick.

Wow.

30,000 hits.

And to think ... all I write about is pure crap.

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Crapped out

I came across this blog today:

I Am Garang

His subtitle reads:
About a Psycho, his dreams, thoughts and CRAPS

Man, I sure hope he's a gambler.

Monday, June 27, 2005

I tolled you so

I just noticed a sign on the Kilpatrick Turnpike:

Failure to pay toll strictly enforced

OK, wait.

So I'm not supposed to pay the toll?

Kick ass!

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Something seems fishy

Is it bad that I am 34 years old and I just had fish sticks and Kraft macaroni and cheese for lunch?

Is it also bad that I think that it was just as good as when I was 10?

Saturday, June 25, 2005

The wild blue yawn-der

I was in a meeting last week when I kept noticing one gentleman yawning over and over again.

Only he wasn't actually yawning.

He was doing that scrunched up, mouth closed, "I can't yawn openly because it might come off as rude," painful-as-hell face.

So which is worse?

Openly yawning?

Or trying to hide it - only to have people notice that you're still yawning incognito?

I say - yawn already!

Even when you try to hide it, it's still obvious that you're yawning. Maybe if you'd just rip off a good belly yawn, the urge would stop.

Plus, I can't stand to look at that excruciating face much longer.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Pee-ple who need pee-ple

I have a question.

Now, I realize that peeing in public is never appropriate, but there are occasions when it is a little more acceptable. For instance, on a camping trip.

I also realize that men of younger ages tend to do this whenever they feel the need because, well, I don't know why. Perhaps they think it's funny. Or charming. I don't know. I just remember college buddies pulling over and "sneaking a leak" behind the car on road trips because they thought they could make it to the next rest stop, then realized they couldn't.

Now for the question.

At what age is it completely inappropriate for a guy to pull over while on a date and pee?

Thursday, June 23, 2005

I've fallen! And I can't get up!

No, I'm not talking about the commercial from years ago when that little old lady falls down.

I'm referring to the first thought that must have run through the actor's mind when he fell from the cross tonight in the Lyric Theater production of Jesus Christ Superstar.

You read it correctly.

It's almost the end of the show: the crucifixion.

Up to this point I have been quite moved by the production ... until they hoist Jesus up, steady the cross, and then boom.

Jesus falls. Right off the cross.

Crickets.

Pindrop.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing technical difficulties. We will resume the show in five minutes."

Well, hells bells! I'd say that's the biggest technical difficulty of them all, for Pete's sake (pun intended)!

Needless to say, when the show resumed for all of thirty seconds to show the resurrected Jesus, it was quite the buzz kill.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

You tell me - #5

Those under 30 probably won't know who the hell these people are, but I'll ask anyway.

Who did you like?

Couple #1?

or

Couple #2?

Don't base your answers on how you feel about them now. I want to know how you felt about them then.

And don't say "neither." Everybody dug one or the other ...

... even if they were too ashamed to admit it.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Put in my place

As bigasslove predicted, I have not made many friends with my previous two posts.

Anonymous writes:
How about "make it a great day, cripples!" or "make it a great day, diabetic!" Not everyone who's fat is fat because they are a "lazy ass."

Ahh, Anonymous. You make a great point.

However, I know several people who have diabetes ... and they are some of the least lazy people I know. They are painfully aware of the debilitating effects their disease can have, and they go the extra mile to take care of themselves. It is amazing the lengths they will go to educate others on the horrors of diabetes. I have a close friend whose mom has worked very hard to become more healthy since being diagnosed with diabetes.

I also understand that there are many people the world over who suffer from other types of issues such as metabolic problems, or simply emotional problems that can lead to obesity.

I wasn't talking about these folks, nor was I talking about, as you so eloquently put it, the "cripples."

I was referring those who do nothing as far as exercise is concerned. And we all know there are plenty of those people.

As I said before - I am not perfect, nor will I ever be.

In fact, I have been one of those people who don't exercise for about two years now, and it has caught up with me. I weigh more than I ever have, and have not always felt so great about myself.

It's true - I have become, in my own words: a fatty.

And this is exactly why I have started exercising again recently. I don't want to be one of the people I've complained about in the last two posts.

So, I am now finished with the offensive talk about people who don't exercise.

Thank you, Anonymous, for making a great point. I'll be more careful in the future.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

On a lighter note ...

... OK, so my last post was a little harsh.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect!

Currently I have a zit the size of Texas on my chin (it's one of those underground lounges that just festers under the surface and hurts like hell), and my pooch continues to expand daily (you know, that area right below the waist).

Ugh!

So, while I stick by my thoughts about people needing to shut up, quit complaining, and get more exercise ... maybe the excessive use of the word "fatty" was a little too much.

My apologies.

Now go out there and make it a great day, fatties!

Sorry.

It has a life of its own.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

You want fries with that?

I went to Braum's tonight to pick up my weekly gallon of fat free milk. Mmmmmm.

For those Lip Schtick readers who don't reside in the great state of Oklahoma, Braum's is an ice cream store which also boasts a variety of locally-cultivated grocery products.

During the past few years, you could order grocery items via the drive-thru along with your fast food items.

But a few months ago, Braum's decided to stop the grocery drive-thru service, much to the chagrin of all the fatties who are too lazy to get the hell out of their cars to go into the establishment to buy groceries.

I had listen to one such fatty this evening as I waited in line to pay for my milk.

Here's the thing:

It does no good to complain to the cashier that you're pissed about having to actually put out some effort and get off your lazy ass. The cashier does not make the policies.

Secondly, getting your milk and chicken through the drive-thru is extremely excruciating for those of who have to wait behind you when all we want is something you should actually order at a drive thru, i.e., burgers, fries, and shakes.

And finally, maybe we wouldn't have such an obesity problem in Oklahoma if people like you would shut up and get some exercise, like, say, actually walking into a store instead of complaining about not getting to use the drive-thru.

Now, before you readers get all, "Man, quit picking on the fat people ... you're mean!" Well, maybe I am mean.

Let's face it. We could all use some exercise. Lord knows I've gained a few pounds during the past year.

So, I leave you with this:

Fatties, quit your bitching. No one wants to hear it.

Oh, and while we're on the subject ... try the skim milk.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Head over heels

Everyone know that it is now the time of year when we don our cute little strappy sandals, funky flip-flops, and sexy stilettoes.

Everyone also knows that with the advent of open-toed shoe season, comes the need for feet that are well-maintained, i.e., you gotta keep up with the pedis (that's pedicures, for those who don't like to hip up their words by abbreviating them).

So why is it, then, that so many women only focus on the toes during the spring and summer season?

If I see one more set of perfectly coiffed toenails only to get a back view of some nasty, thick, cracked yellow, calloused heels, I may die.

Ladies! You must pay attention to the heels!

It's the same as the women who always have great looking hair from the front, but then you get the rear view and there's nothing but bed head and rat's nest! Use a mirror!

All I'm asking is that you pay a little more attention to the whole foot, and not just the nails. A Dr. Scholl's foot stone never hurt anyone.

Let's face it. There are enough heinous feet in the world already.

Let's not add to the misery by kicking up our nasty heels.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Booby prize

I got quite a chuckle a few days ago when I checked my blog user stats.

Apparently, someone came across Lip Schtick when they searched for, get this: booby twins.

I guess I shouldn't make too much of a big deal out of it. After all, if it gets 'em here, then I'm game.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

The devil went down to Skiatook

Please.

As if we needed more proof that WalMart and Satan are one and the same.

Thanks, Okiedoke.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Jacko is wacko

No, I'm not talking about Michael Jackson's penchant for jumping in the sack with young boys.

I'm referring to the "What the hell are you thinking?" decision Phil Jackson made to return to the Los Angeles Lakers as head coach.

Oh well. I guess there's nothing like jumping from the frying pan, uh, back into the frying pan.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Jersey boy

I read just a few days ago that Randy Moss has the #1 selling NFL jersey. Good for him. He looks mighty happy about it.

Damn, man. Imagine what Edward Scissorhands could do with you.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Good Lord, that's good stuff

I love coming across new blogs that are entertaining.

But there are no blogs out there that have a better title than this.

I don't even want to read this particular blog because I'm afraid doing so would taint its awesome moniker (and don't forget to check out the kick ass Charlie's Angels-esque logo).

I do have to wonder though. Does the Lord want us to "kick ass" for Him? Somehow I'm afraid that not what the phrase "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you," was supposed to mean.

Still, you gotta admit.

It's damn funny.

Friday, June 10, 2005

I'm fonda Jane

You may have noticed in my sidebar that I have been trying to read Jane Fonda's book since the dawn of time.

Let me just say that it's not because I'm the world's slowest reader, but because I have two jobs (which leaves me little time to read).

That said, I finally finished Fonda's autobiography.

And I have to admit, I'm impressed.

Before reading the book, I had very little knowledge of Fonda's life - nor was a much of a "fan." Here's a brief summation of what I did know:

1 - Lots of people hate her because of her anti-Vietnam war activism
2 - She had a cool shag haircut in the early 70s
3 - She married Ted Turner
4 - She was quite the fitness guru
5 - Henry Fonda was her dad, Peter Fonda her brother, Bridget Fonda her niece
6 - She had breast implants
7 - She was kind of whiny in the only two movies I have ever seen in which she starred ("9 to 5" and one of my all-time faves, "On Golden Pond").

But after reading all 596 pages, I am officially a Jane Fonda fan, mainly because although I have always pictured her as this strong, fearless woman, she is actually just as screwed up as I am.

And I mean that as a total compliment. It's nice to know that celebrities are a lot like us when it comes to their relationships (romantic as well as familial).

And as far as the Vietnam war stuff, the naysayers should maybe read the book to get her side. I think it would provide a lot of insight, especially since it is quite obvious that she was a lot more American than people seem to have given her credit.

But don't take my word for it. Read the book. Take the time to walk a mile in her shoes, then decide if she's really who you thought all along.

Trust me, you'll be surprised.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Litterbug

Is it considered littering if I throw a leaf out the window of my car?

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Turn it down, I beg you

They say that trends in fashion always come back to haunt us. One such trend of which I keep seeing more and more is the up-turned collar on polo shirts.

I cannot tolerate this.

This fashion don't didn't look good in the 80s the first time around. So trust me, men of today.

You look just as ridiculous now.

Please 86 the up-turned collar.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Here's to you, uh, Annie Sullivan

Anne Bancroft has died.

Best known for her role as the Dustin Hoffman-seducing Mrs. Robinson in "The Graduate," Bancroft always wondered why she wasn't lauded more for her role as Helen Keller's teacher, Annie Sullivan.

I can see her point.

However, I think I know why Annie didn't get more props.

Let's face it:
Mrs. Robinson? Smokin' hot.
Annie Sullivan? Not so much.

It's unfortunate.

But it's just the way of the world.

Monday, June 06, 2005

John sKerry vs. George Bushy

Whoa!

John Kerry should thank his lucky stars that voting in the election wasn't based on these photos:
Yalies

He would have lost by a landslide (and that's even against Bush and his wicked unibrow).

Thanks, Ovedya.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Sequel this

I am terrified.

I read yesterday that there are talks of a possible Sixteen Candles sequel.

My thoughts?

If it ain't broke, don't sequel it.

Saturday, June 04, 2005

Pet Peeves - #1

I'm sure I am not the only person who has experienced this.

I am leaving a parking lot and am waiting to pull onto the roadway when an oncoming car approaches. I sit patiently, waiting for the car to go by so that I can turn onto the main thoroughfare.

Then suddenly it occurs to me that this dillhole is slowing down. Why? Because he's turning into the very lot in which I am exiting.

Only I can't anticipate his turn because he doesn't signal!

So, I'm sitting there, wasting precious moments while this tool dawdles along as if he's the only driver on the road.

I guess I should be more sympathetic. The turn signal is such a difficult piece of equipment to master. After all, it's right there ... you only have to reach up a few inches to click it on.

It's a damn good thing I have control of my road rage.

Hey, jagoff! You've got a turn signal - USE IT!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Horseplay

This makes me sad:

http://www.stophorseslaughter.com

First of all, I didn't know that horses could laugh. And if they can laugh, why would you want to make them stop?

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

One night standstill

My friend bigasslove is new to blogging, and new to the world of celibacy. Not because he wants to be devoid of the sweet lovemaking ... it's just that his latest circumstances have not been conducive to his getting his groove on.

I keep trying to convince him that there are far worse things than not getting any action. But I am obviously not getting through.

So, loyal Lip Schtick readers ... help me make my pal feel better.

What's the longest amount of time you've gone without "relations?"

Be honest. And no - the time between birth and the loss of your virginity does not count (well, unless you're like 46 and still a virgin - wouldn't that be something!).

Phone sex and cyber sex don't count.

And don't even try to pretend that having sex with some sort of doll counts. It doesn't.

When I ask for the lengthiest amount of time you've gone without, I mean gone without sex involving a real, live, breathing person. And lap dances that you pay for at strip club don't count either.

So stop trying to find ways to skirt the issue.

Hell, Ghost Writer and Doug (the troopers that they are) already admitted to going years without. If they can fess up, so can you.

Don't worry. If you're worried about damage caused to your rep by answering, you can always comment as Anonymous.

Chickens.

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