maro Lip Schtick: July 2005p

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Spread the cheer

It appears that congratulations are in order.

Bloggy pal LiteraryTech at Existential Ramble done went and got hisself hitched.

Be sure to pass along the warm wishes ... and tell him LilRed says to get back to blogging soon!

Saturday, July 30, 2005

You tell me - #7

So I'm sure you've seen the trailers for The 40 Year Old Virgin.

Now, even though 40 seems WAY late to be puttin' out, it got me thinking about my more virtuous days.

Which leads me to the question we all want answered:

How old were you when you, to quote Monica Geller, "gave your flower" to that someone special (or not-so-special in most cases)?

And as always, you can comment as Anonymous if the embarrassment is too much to bear.

Or shall I say, bare?

Oh, and for anyone who cares - I was 20.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Pet peeves - #2

Hey! You know that sign in the parking garage that says Small Car Parking ONLY?

Oh, you do, eh?

Well, let me just remind you that your big-ass, gas-guzzling, environment-slaying, would-look-better-in-the-Australian-outback-where-it-belongs Hummer doesn't qualify as a small friggin' car!

Dillhole!

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Pushing the envelope

I have a question for fellow bloggers:

Do you sometimes find yourself censoring material as to not offend readers?

A very close friend of mine told me recently that she feels I'm not being completely forthcoming with my writing.

I told her that I felt some of my posts had been pretty honest with regard to some potentially dangerous subject matter. But she believed that I was still holding back.

Her logic derives from the thought that if people can't handle what I have to write, then they certainly don't have to visit this blog. Much like changing a television channel when you come across potentially inappropriate material.

So, bloggy pals.

To hold back, or not hold back?

That is the question.

One bit of advice - THINK before you answer.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

If you can't stand the heat ...

... get out of the heat.

Am I the only person who is completely zapped of all energy due to his sweltering inferno we call summer?

Sheesh!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

I'm game ... what about you?

If college football doesn't start soon, I may spontaneously combust.

The fall breeze, the smell of hamburgers cooking on the grill, the sounds of 85,000 people cheering, ESPN Gameday every Saturday morning ... I LOVE COLLEGE FOOTBALL.

Loyal Lip Schtick readers know that I am particularly fond of the Oklahoma Sooners.

But I wanna know: what's your fave college team?

Let me hear from all of you. You don't have to be a fan of a football powerhouse to love the ambiance that the college football season has to bring.

So, whether you love the Michigan Wolverines, or the Akron Zips ...

... the Florida State Seminoles or the Rutgers Scarlet Knights ...

... the Texas Longhorns or the Troy Trojans.

OK, so maybe I don't really want to hear from you Texas fans.

Just kidding, Longhorns! Come on! It's all part of the college sports trash-talkin'!

So bring it on! And let the games begin ... SOONER or later!

Monday, July 25, 2005

Them's just jokes - #1

Here's some good, not-so-clean fun:

Q: What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?

A: A pickpocket snatches your watch.

Aw, come on! That's good stuff!



- Via my friend Raquel

Sunday, July 24, 2005

91 and done

I found this at Skyye's pad.





You Will Die at Age 91



91





Congratulations! You take good care of yourself.

You're poised to live a long, healthy life.




I'm not quite sure it's a good thing.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

I fear change

So I was changing light bulbs last night ... and doing so scared the crap out of me.

My OCD kicked into high gear as I flipped the switches on, then off. On, then off. Just so I could make absolutely positively sure that the fixtures were off before changing the bulbs.

In some instances, I even unplugged the apparatuses (or is it apparati?) before changing the bulbs ... simply due to the sheer terror of possible electrocution.

What in the hell is wrong with me?

Does anyone else feel this way when changing a frigging light bulb?

And if it's not a fear of electricity, what completely irrational fears do you have?

I must know.

I need to be assured that I am not the only one who is completely insane.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Beats the devil outta me ...

Loyal Lip Schtick readers know that from time to time I like to share certain search queries that give me a tickle.

As I was checking my stats today, I noticed that someone found Lip Schtick via the following Google search:

weenie devil

What the hell is a weenie devil?

And where can I get one?

Thursday, July 21, 2005

The Big Buzz-kill

Have you ever heard about how good a movie is for years and years, only to be hugely disappointed when you finally see it?

This is exactly how I felt last night when I watched The Big Chill.

What a piece of crap!

Now, don't get me wrong. The music was great.

But all I kept thinking throughout the two hours (two hours I'll never get back, by the way), was "When is this thing gonna pick up?"

The answer? Never.

I can say with certainty though, that The Big Chill did confirm a few things for me.

1 - I have yet to see Jeff Goldblum in a role in which I find him anything but icky.

2 - Even for the 80s, Kevin Kline's character Harold's jogging shorts (which, by the way, he sports about a gazillion times throughout the movie) were WAY too short. No one wants to get that up close and personal with your nugget pouch, dude.

3 - Tom Berenger's moustache could not look any dorkier.

4 - Glenn Close's character, Sarah? Ick! No way would I let my husband do it with one of my best friends ... no matter how badly she wanted to have a baby. Huh-uh!

5 - Meg Tilly? Always a bugger, no matter what the role.

6 - William Hurt's character was the least irritating, although I could have done with a little less of the impotence talk.

7 - I gotta say it. JoBeth Williams was pretty hot.

8 - And Mary Kay Place, (known as Meg in the movie)? Quit hitting up all of your friends to make a baby! I'm sure there's a sperm bank somewhere nearby! And shame on you for taking Sarah up on her offer to do it with her husband! Ugh!

Maybe I'm being a little too harsh. This is what happens when you see a movie 22 years after its release.

Or maybe I just can't appreciate it since I'm not 40-something and miserable.

Wow ... something to look forward to!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Wedding dress don'ts

I came across this link via the Occidental Tourist today.

The site is not updated very often, but there's still good stuff here nonetheless.

Ugly Wedding Dress

Simply priceless.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

No chocolate for me, thanks

Am I the only person who is steering clear of the new Willy Wonka movie because he is just, uh, creepy as hell?

I'm sorry, but Johnny Depp's fake teeth he dons for this role are quite worthy of nightmares of which I care not to experience.

Scary!

Monday, July 18, 2005

Two and a half Penn

Wow.

As I was tuning in my DVR to catch up on my new fave show, Rock Star: INXS, I was quite dumbfounded to see the end of a Two and a Half Men episode.

No, I wasn't shocked that the show is still airing, but I was freaked to see that Sean Penn was guest starring.

Now, I know that the stigma for a movie star to show up on a TV program has been lifted during the past few years. As a loyal Friends watcher, I was quite stunned to see the number of stars come and go ... and they were all quite good in their guest roles. Stars such as Susan Sarandon, Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, Christina Applegate, Reese Witherspoon, and yes, even Sean Penn.

But what the heck is Sean Penn doing on Two and a Half Men? Granted, I've only seen bits and pieces of the show, but I was less than impressed.

Does anyone else feel my pain?

I bet Madonna does.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

For whom the pike tolls

I guess the Oklahoma Turnpike Authority didn't take too kindly to the jokes. But it just goes to show that we bloggers have an impact.

Here's the newest version of the sign I read on the Kilpatrick Turnpike last night:

Payment of toll strictly enforced.

Crap!

I guess now I have to pay.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

41 days ...

... and counting.

An explanation is coming soon.

Friday, July 15, 2005

You tell me - #6

I'm not really into the whole reality TV thing. That's not to say that I don't watch any programs of the genre (I mainly stick to The Apprentice).

But this summer I have become quite fond of two reality shows - Dancing with the Stars (although I was not the least bit pleased with its outcome) and Rock Star: INXS.

For those of you who have no idea what the premises are of each show ... I'll give you the quick lowdown:

Dancing with the Starts is a ballroom dance menagerie in which various celebrities (I wouldn't exactly classify Trista Sutter as a "star") are paired with champion ballroom dancers to test their dance floor prowess.

Rock Star: INXS is the latest Mark Burnett production which showcases 15 "rockers" as they compete to become the new INXS lead singer (Michael Hutchence, the original lead, killed himself in the late 90s).

I'm not ashamed to admit that both shows entertain the hell out of me. I was mesmerized by the celebrities as they took on different ballroom dances week after week. And I am blown away by the energy and talent the rockers have displayed so far on Rock Star.

Which leads me to my question:

Would you rather have the wield golden pipes or the sport the fancy dance moves?

You tell me.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Ah ... to be a kid again

I was sitting at the salon yesterday listening to a fellow client's daughter (who I think was probably about seven years old) ask every question under the sun:

"Why does that hair color smell so bad?"

"How did you learn to cut hair?"

"Can I dye my hair blue?"

It was all very cute. In between the incessant questioning of anything and everything, she would take a break by sitting quietly and singing to herself. Not really any song in particular, just non-sensical notes. Still, quite endearing.

At one point she decided to let us all know that she had to go to the bathroom.

"But I'll be back!" she yelled, as if we were worried that somehow the toilet would swallow her whole and we'd never see nor hear from her again.

As we awaited her emergence from the facilities, my hairdresser and I discussed how interesting the little girl was. And how although annoying to some degree, the questions were quite funny and charming.

Charming, indeed ... until she returned from the bathroom and announced:

"I just pulled out the biggest booger!"

Dear God.

Needless to say, the mother was mortified.

I, on the other hand, was fascinated. I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to share the successes of some of my bodily functions ... but I don't.

Why? Because adulthood dictates that I don't.

And that's unfortunate.

Because sometimes you just gotta share a good booger story.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

I have seen the lite

I have been trying to eat more healthful foods lately. But it's hard! There's too much crap out there that I like to eat, i.e., Cinnamonsters, Oreo Blasts from Sonic, Nutter Butters ... OK, you get the point.

Then recently a friend told me I should stock up on some Lean Cuisines. So it's kind of like I'm not eating healthy but am eating healthy.

And I must say - Lean Cuisines are frigging good!

Does anyone else out there dig the LCs as much as I do?

My fave is the Chicken Enchilada Suiza. Whatever the hell Suiza means.

I guess I don't really give a hang what it means. Cause it's good! They could call it Chicken Enchilada Sassafrass and I'd still eat it.

Maybe I'll request a gaggle of Lean Cuisines for Christmas.


Hey - don't knock getting TV dinners for Christmas! It worked for Lane Meyer's fam!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

What the world needs now is love ... sweet love

Following all the hatin' that's been going on with my previous two posts, I felt it was time to switch gears.

Here's a fella who could use some love.

Save Cans to Save Wampi

Doesn't matter if you're "not a cat person." There are plenty of idiots out there who would harm any animal.

Let's show Wampi we care ... for the sake of all animals.

Sunday, July 10, 2005

I was ashamed ... now I'm just pissed

Get ready - this is gonna get ugly.

I took a break from blogging for a few days - my own version of a moment of silence, if you will, to honor the loss our neighbors across the pond have suffered in London.

I was prepared to move on, because life - even in the wake of an unthinkable tragedy - moves on.

Until I got up today and read this comment regarding my previous post. CandidMan writes:

I'm glad you acknowledge your shame. You should. Loss of life is loss of life...whether or not it's here or "over there". In Europe, the countries are in such close proximity to one another that what affects one country affects another. Your mentality just goes to prove that some Americans have such an egocentric view of the world and that they cannot recognize the one true brotherhood/sisterhood that we share as humans. Shame, shame, shame.

Let me first give CandidMan credit for using a name to post a comment. Most folks who leave annoying and inane comments do so under the guise of "Anonymous."

Now, let me respond to what is a truly irresponsible show of, well, intolerance.

While I have admitted that I was wrong in my relief that the bombings in London didn't take place "over here," you can bet that people the world over felt the same sense of comfort that this tragedy didn't take place in their own backyards. I'm not saying that's a good or proper reaction, by any means. But your statements make it seem as if this relief was felt only by Americans.

You mentioned that the proximity of European countries causes a more greatly affects the impact of terror. Well, I can assure you that the ability of the media to give real-time commentary about anything that goes on in this world lends to the fact that tragedy affects us all ... whether we experience it first hand or not.

That said, I am amazed that you feel the need to wax philosophical about "the one true brotherhood/sisterhood that we share as humans," all while referring to me as a ... what was that again? Oh yes! An egocentric American! I gotta tell you, CandidMan, that inference doesn't seem to exemplify brotherly behavior in the slightest.

And by the way, I do understand the thought that, as you put it, "loss of life is loss of life." But your words imply that Americans do not feel this loss unless it happens on our soil. Well, allow me to let you in on a little secret:

When I heard about the bombings in London, I was hurt - not because I am American, but because I am human.

When the 9/11 attacks took place, I was shocked - not because I am American, but because I am human.

When I saw the devastation the tsunami wrought in December, I was saddened - not because I am American, but because I am human.

When I felt the ground shake at 9:01 a.m. on April 19, 1995, I was terrified - not because I am American, but because I am human.

When I think back to the horrific violence that took place in Bosnia, I am bothered - not because I am American, but because I am human.

Had enough yet? Hopefully you're getting the point, which is:

Don't blame my sense of relief that the London attacks didn't happen here on the fact that I'm American. My nationality has nothing to do with it.

Blame it on the fact that I am human, capable of human emotions ...

... right or wrong.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

I am ashamed

When I turned on my computer this morning, I was jolted by the news of what has happened in London.

While my thoughts, prayers, and heart go out to the people of London, I couldn't help but be overcome with my first thought when I heard the news:

Thank God New York didn't get the 2012 Olympics.

Granted, I have no idea whether the attacks in London were in any way connected to the Olympic bid it received just yesterday.

How excruciating it must be to go from one day in which your country can celebrate a major upcoming event like the Olympics ... to the next day when you are affected by acts of pure cowardice.

But I still can't get past how relieved I am that the attacks didn't happen here.

And for that, I am ashamed.

So ashamed, in fact, that I thought writing about it might be therapeutic.

Or at least I hoped others may be in the same boat sinking in the sea of guilt ...

... after all, misery loves company.

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

A face only a mother could love

Loyal Lip Schtick readers may recall the nightmare I had a few months ago in which the devil dog chased me along the beach.

A few readers even answered my call for their interpretations of the devil dog.

I thought my sub-conscious version of the devil dog was as scary as it would ever get.

But I was wrong.

Nothing ever prepared me for the likes of this, the World's Ugliest Dog contest winner, the true devil dog:



If you're finished soiling your pants, feel free to read more about this monstrosity here.

Ick.

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Babes in boyland

Those who are about to get all feminist on me ... don't.

Cause even a feminist can appreciate 65 hot chicks.

The WWLS Sports Animal Babe Tournament

Pure genius.

I'm pissed that I didn't think of it.

Saturday, July 02, 2005

Double breasted

I am sorry.

But I find it extremely unfair that as I skate around Lake Hefner, I am not allowed to take off my shirt if I get too hot.

Especially considering the inordinate number of shirt-free man breasts I encountered today.

Friday, July 01, 2005

It's official - I am a bad ass

It's true. I have arrived.

One of my fave bloggists, the Incurable Insomniac, has named Lip Schtick as one of his Top 5 for the quarter.

OK, OK. So what if I nominated myself?

In this crazy-ass world, I gotta look out for number one!

And trust me ... that's better than looking out for number two.

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