maro Lip Schtick: August 2005p

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Green eggs and spam

Sorry, folks.

It looks like I will have to succumb to word verification on my comments settings.

This unfortunate event is due to the inordinate number of spamming dillholes who have been hitting Lip Schtick lately.

I hope this extra little step won't deter you from commenting.

But we must join the fight against spamming dillholes!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Can you hear me now? Obviously you can't.

Why is it that even though my outgoing cell phone message clearly states who I am, that people insist on leaving messages for someone other than me?

Monday, August 29, 2005

Shhhhhhh

A moment of silence, please.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

We have lift off

For a few weeks now, you may have noticed the cryptic countdown in the Lip Schtick sidebar.

Some believed it was the countdown until my next period. They were wrong.

Of the few people who actually know I have a blog ... they may have thought I was counting down the start of the college football season. They would have been wrong.

While still others thought I was lamenting the days until I could eat carbs. They too, were wrong.

The countdown was actually representative of my final days at the second job, of which I have now vacated.

And boy do I have stories to tell.

Coming soon.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

CSI don't get it

Are the networks so hard up for good television these days that they think we need a billion versions of the same show?

I mean, how many Law and Orders can we stomach? Apparently NBC thinks four.

And do we really require all those CSIs? What are we up to now, three?

Let's see there's:
CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
CSI: NY
CSI: Miami

I'm sorry. I just don't get it.

I say come up with better programming, or forget it. Quit serving us the same old crap with just a different city attached to the title.

Although, CSI: Muskogee might be pretty cool.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Heavy petting

Why are so many people opposed to pet blogs?

I can't figure it out.

Animals kick ass - plain and simple.

So if you know of any pet blogs that you think I may enjoy, feel free to pass them along.

Because I find animals more entertaining than people most of time.

They are far less annoying.

And sometimes even, far less smelly.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Pet peeves - #3

I am certainly glad that the summer is almost over.

Not just because we'll get a break from the scorching heat ...

... but because soon I won't be bothered by the lazy-ass flip-flop wearers who can't seem to muster up the effort to pick up their frigging feet!

Now, don't get me wrong. I enjoy a good pair of flip-flops (or thongs as they used to be called in my day, before the ass floss took over that moniker).

But hells bells! At least I know how to pick up my feet!

Dang!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Hanes my way

Sometimes I am amazed at how my mind works.

You may recall my chagrin at the possibility of a company-imposed dress code which would include the mandatory wearing of pantyhose. I just couldn't fathom the thought of wearing hose when it was a gazillion degrees outside.

But you can sure as hell bet that I have absolutely no problem wearing my Hanes body shaper!

The shaper kicks ass!

It makes me look all smooth and non-cellulite-ish ... so much so that I barely notice the heartburn the damn thing causes due to the boa constrictor-like tightness.

I guess the difference is that the shaper actually does something.

The hose, on the other hand, do nothing in the way of controlling the junk in the trunk (and under the hood, for that matter).

Or at least that's how my feeble mind has rationalized it.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Them's just jokes - #2

Q: What do you call the sweat between Dolly Parton's boobs?

A: Mountain dew

Oh, don't even try to act like that's not good stuff. It's an oldie but a goody!

Come on!

Monday, August 22, 2005

Diet schmiet

I started the South Beach Diet on Friday.

Although I think they should have named it the South Bitch Diet.

Because that's exactly what I'm gonna be if I don't get some carbs up in here ASAFP.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Six feet over

Last week I waxed ever so needlessly about my incessant need for bad television.

Well, I now take my hat off to one of the greatest shows ever ... since it is coming to its proverbial end tonight:

Six Feet Under

When I started watching four years ago, I never imagined that I could get hooked on a show set around a family-run funeral home.

I was quite mistaken.

First, the death scenes at the top of each hour were worth watching alone.

And not only was I captured by the range the actors continued to display week after week ...

... but never in my short lifetime has there been a show in which at the end of every single episode, I felt like I needed a shower.

And that is a true testament to just how, as series creator Alan Ball liked to put it, "f*cked up" Six Feet Under truly was.

A show in which I'll feel the effects of utter withdrawal once it concludes.

Man, will I miss it ...

... may it rest in peace.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Who will challenge the Pants?

Dr. Pants is a little dumbfounded as to why anyone would nominate his blog for a 2005 Okie Blog Award.

Says the man himself:

"I'd like to thank unchecked gonnorhea and mercury poisoning for infecting whoever put me up."

Don't worry, Dr. Pants. Now you can rest assured knowing that I was one of the fortunate readers of your blog who decided it was well-worth the nomination.

And my decision to do so was not due to unchecked gonnorhea.

It was the syphilis.

Friday, August 19, 2005

I am honored

It looks as though Lip Schtick has reached major league status. OK, maybe not major league. Maybe triple-A minor league status (a little baseball analogy for those who haven't caught on).

Lip Schtick has been nominated for Best Humor Blog on Okiedoke's 2005 Okie Blog Awards.

I find this especially humbling because, according to the rules, I couldn't nominate Lip Schtick myself!

Wait.

I'm not humble.

I'm pumped!

Finally, I feel validation!

After suffering through my younger years as a lass with crooked teeth, bird legs and bad 80s hairdos ...

... now I can honestly say I am worth something!

Oh, who am I kidding.

I am still the same gal I was back then.

Only through the miracle of braces, some weight gain due to aging, and hair color, I now just feel a whole lot better about myself. Not to mention the fact that I have become older and yes, believe it or not, somewhat wiser.

So, thank you, nominators.

I truly appreciate the nod.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

It's the pits

An Oklahoma state legislator wants to put a statewide ban on pit bull terriers.

And I understand his concerns. There seem to be more and more incidents in which people (mostly children) are attacked by these dogs.

But I think there's a more viable solution.

Let's ban the idiots who turn these dogs into blood-thirsty killing machines!

And while we're at it, let's ban the redneck cockfighting aficionadoes as well!

Now, before you get all, "These dogs are killing innocent people!" on me - don't. I get it.

But these animals are only carrying out the unfortunate programming that we, through endless inbreeding and violence training, have inflicted upon them.

So, before we make a decision to ban the dogs altogether, let's start thinking of ways to curb the human element involved. And I'm sure there's a way.

Maybe we could sic a bunch of pit bulls on 'em.

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

I like to watch

I am sometimes amazed at the pure crap I am able to endure on television.

Just yesterday I actually watched Girls Next Door and Comedy Central's Roast to Pamela Anderson.

For those who like to do more brain-wielding things like reading, exercising, or just watching better TV than what I do, I'll fill you in.

Girls Next Door is the E! creation in which we follow the three girlfriends of Hugh Hefner, Playboy founder and mogul.

It is, needless to say, brutal. But I could NOT stop watching. It's kind of like my fascination with the movie Showgirls. It's so bad, that I have to watch it.

But nowhere was it nearly as brutal as the Pamela Anderson Roast.

Heinous.

First, does anyone like Jimmy Kimmel? I've never seen his show, and I know now I never will. As the host, he did little but crack stupid jokes, just to lead in to the roasters' stupid jokes.

The highlight of the night was Bea Arthur's dramatic reading from one of Pamela's books - which, by the way, read as if a fifth grader wrote it. They could have just used Bea's segment and left the rest on the cutting room floor.

And dear God - Courtney Love was in attendance. Wasted. On what? I don't know. But wasted.

Finally, there was Tommy Lee. I'm glad that he and Pamela can now be in the same room together ... but does anyone else think that Pamela seemed a little awkward when he went to hug her?

Oh - I guess no one else would know, because I had to be the only person on the planet dumb enough to watch this menagerie of crap.

Now, don't get me wrong, Pamela Anderson is hot. Not pretty, but hot. There is a difference.

And when Pam finally got to give her little monologue at the end of the show, I was once again mesmerized by the sheer enormity of her gazoombas (especially since she had on a see-through shirt).

But my point about all of this is ... when am I gonna grow up and give up the trash TV?

I mean, hells bells!

I could be watching something educational like the History Channel. Or Discovery. Or at the very least, HGTV.

I guess I can't beat myself up too badly. At least I admit I have a problem, and that's the first step.

Better go now - gotta set the DVR for Tommy Lee Goes to College.

Monday, August 15, 2005

What's snot to love?

As is customary at Lip Schtick, I like to let readers in on queries that I find particularly funny. This basically means that I check my stats to find what search phrases people use to get here.

Here's the latest knee slapper I came across today:

untamed booger

Huh?

As opposed to the tamed booger?

I don't get it. But I also don't care. I'm all about people reading whatever useless crap I have to put out there.

And there's plenty to pick from.

Booger pun intended.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

I'm only happy when it rains

Oh dear lord is the rain awesome! I am happier than a pig in slop right now.

Heat - BAD.

Rain - Oh, so goooooood.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

It's time to give TO the KO

I am so sick of hearing about big fat crybaby Terrell Owens.

So he's not happy with his 7-year, $49 million contract? Whaaaaaa!

The Philadelphia Eagles wide receiver is the epitome of everything that is wrong with professional sports today. It's so obvious that he is not in the game for the game. He's in the game from Terrell Owens. Period. The end.

This was never more evident than during the Sharpie incident a couple of seasons ago when he played for the 49ers. For those not familiar ... following a touchdown, Owens reached down, whipped a Sharpie out of his sock, and autographed the football right there in the end zone.

Now some may argue that the Sharpie thing was fun. Yeah. Fun if you like to enable and indulge the already overly-indulged demon seed that is Terrell Owens.

And don't get me started on the way he has handled his unhappiness with the Eagles. Instead of quietly tackling the matter through his agent, Owens has instead chosen to be belligerent, obnoxious and inappropriate regarding his coaching staff and fellow teammates.

Man, I sure wish I could go to the media and bitch every time someone at work pisses me off. But I don't. And you know why?

Because I don't make $7 million a year! I NEED my job! And I like it! And if I didn't, I'd find a way to move on without acting like a completely spoiled, insecure, pathetic loser!

So, Philadelphia Eagles. I know you don't want to let Owens go because of the money you'll lose. And I get that.

And I know that you think you may have a better chance of winning with him on the field than off. But will that really be the case? Surely a cancer as big as Owens will cause nothing but mayhem on the field. And even if he still plays well, what have you gained? You've gained the ability to turn a deaf ear to the squeaky wheel.

I say bench his ass and let him see how that feels.

But I'm not the coach. And if I was, that Sharpie crap would have never happened ... nor would all of this ridiculous belly-aching.

I just hope Owens doesn't have children.

What a role model.

Friday, August 12, 2005

What an idiot

All Okies ain't dumb. Some of 'em got smarts real good, like this guy:

Man says he forgot pipe bomb was in luggage

Man. Makes me proud to be a fellow Oklahoman.

Friggin' dumbass.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

At first sad, but now a little creeped out

As you may have figured out, I have been saddened by the loss of Peter Jennings. As I watched the two-hour special about his life last night, I was amazed at how extraordinarily talented the guy was.

But then I had a dream last night that we were dating.

What the hell is that?

Am I so hard up for a date that I dream about dating a man who was not only old enough to be my father, but - for lack of a better word - dead?

Sheesh.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

More sad news

First Peter Jennings, now Miss Ellie.

And then there's the whole Dana Reeve mess.

Now, before you get all, "It's not just celebrities who die from lung cancer ..." don't. I understand that. But hopefully at least these celebrities can help raise awareness of not only the dangers of smoking, but inhaling second-hand smoke as well.

I'd like to kick lung cancer's ass.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

A huge loss

If you missed last night's edition of ABC's World News Tonight, you missed a lot.

Not only was Peter Jennings a talented reporter and anchor ... but he seemed like just a great guy in general.

You're right Ticharu. He was a part of my life ... more than I realized.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Petered out

Peter Jennings was diagnosed with lung cancer just a few months ago.

But for some reason I had convinced myself the he would pull through and return to ABC World News Tonight.

I will never forget as I pulled out of my driveway to head to work on Sept. 11, 2001 (a rare occasion when I didn't turn the TV on that morning), that the first voice I heard when I turned on the radio was that of Peter Jennings.

I was immediately terrified ... obviously something was terribly wrong if he was on. But at the same time, I was very comforted by his commentary. Even during a time of shock beyond belief.

He will be sorely, sorely missed.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

Sizzle

Seriously. Hot. Can't. Stand. It.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Feeling hot, hot, hot

Hey! I don't know if you've noticed ...

... but it's hotter than hell outside.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

I'm melllltiiiingggg ...

I am pissed. We have got to get some rain ... SOON.

And I'm not talking about that "sprinkle for five minutes, then the sun comes out, then it's so frigging humid I could die" sort of rain.

I'm talking about a good, long, soaking.

Maybe I should do the naked rain dance.

Wait, wait, wait. The objective here is to get it to rain ... not to have the rain retreat from sheer horror.

No naked rain dance.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Sweet tooth

Man! Nutter Butters are good!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

There's no lying in baseball

Oh, wait. That's supposed to be crying. There's no crying in baseball.

We'll, it's been proven time and time again that there's lying in baseball.

And now I bet Rafael Palmeiro is doin' a whole lotta cryin'.

I've said before (and yes, I know I'm not the only one who believes this) ... Major League Baseball is in a world of hurt. How many more black marks can this sport take?

At least maybe now the whole Rafael Palmeiro steroids thing will quiet the talk about Kenny Rogers and his antics.

But what I really want to know is this:

Who's the bigger dumbass? Rafael Palmeiro, or Pete Rose?

Monday, August 01, 2005

Natural gas

I had a rather unfortunate incident at work today.

The bathroom is right next to the conference room.

I had to use said bathroom at the same time a rather important meeting was taking place in said conference room.

I seem to have eaten a few too many beans (or could it have been the broccoli?) shortly before.

You do the math.

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