maro Lip Schtick: September 2005p

Friday, September 30, 2005

Have duct tape, will travel

Someone sent me this picture ... he snapped it with his camera phone along I-40.

I tried to convince my mom that this was not proper for highway safety.

Obviously she didn't listen.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Cherry plea

A couple of nights ago during drinks, a friend of mine noticed the uneaten cherry floating around in the bottom of my drink.

"Can I have your cherry?" he inquired.

Man.

If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me that.

I'd have, well, a nickel.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

At least I can button my pants

It looks like I may have to buy stock in the company that manufactures Nexium (the purple pill) because I have got a wicked case of the heartburn today (caused by an even more wicked case of acid reflux).

Damn you, shaper that makes me look skinny!

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

The evil always remains ...

I drove past Incredible Pizza a couple of nights ago ... the parking lot was bursting at the seams.

Normally I wouldn't think too much about this.

But don't people realize that the building in which Incredible Pizza now lives was once a WalMart?! It's kind of like guilt by association. The evil WalMart karma will no doubt still exist, even though the business has changed.

It's like going to an ice skating rink that used to be a KKK meeting hall.

Or buying a house that was built on top of ancient witch burial ground.

What I'm saying here people is ...

... once a WalMart, always a WalMart.

And that ain't no good.

Monday, September 26, 2005

Singled out

There was a Sex and the City episode in which Miranda (my fave SATC gal, by the way) voices her concerns about married women in social settings who see single women as a threat.

I never wanted to believe it, but it can be true at times. And quite evident at a party I attended last weekend.

To those marrieds who feel threatened by singles (and I realize that there are married women out there who don't fit this description):

Just because there are other women out there who are single and attractive, it does not mean they want to sleep with your husbands.

So grow up.

Because after all, no one enjoys an insecure woman.

Especially your husbands.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Here's the scoop

Anyone who loves ice cream in Oklahoma (and the surrounding states), loves Braum's.

Known for its square-dipping, Braum's always serves up the fattest scoops around.

I was quite amused when I spotted this handwritten sign behind the counter at a local Braum's earlier today:

Left-handed square dip
You must learn!

The sign came complete with arrow illustrations of the square-dip technique.

I have to say, I sure am glad I don't work at Braum's.

But if I did, thank God I'm a righty.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Marquee matchup

As I passed a movie theater marquee last night, I noticed the first three movies listed:

Virgin (short for "40-year-old Virgin")
Exorcism of (short for "Exorcism of Emily Rose")
The Corpse Bride

Hmmm.

Virgin Exorcism of the Corpse Bride.

Now that would be a movie.

Friday, September 23, 2005

He should've known

I was eating a fine, healthful lunch at my local Subway today when Alanis Morissette's "You Oughtta Know" came belting through the in-store music system.

As I began tapping my foot and swaying to the angry beats, I remembered just how great the song truly is.

The angst, the pain, the utter display of how one can so completely love the one she wants so desperately to hate.

Good stuff.

Now, I don't know who the song is about, and I don't really care.

All I know is that whoever it is, I bet he wishes he never would have given her that cross-eyed bear.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Dance fever

At least there is some justice in the world.

John O'Hurley Wins Dance-off

He should have won the first time.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Crash course

I don't know about anyone else, but I found it extremely inappropriate that the Jet Blue emergency landing was shown on live television.

Now, don't get me wrong - I don't blame the media.

The media gets its fuel from us ... the countless rubberneckers who love a dreary story.

I just have a big problem with the fact that we were shown live what could have potentially been a flying deathtrap.

And this isn't like other things we've witnessed.

The shuttle explosions, for instance. Accidents.

9/11. Yes, we saw the second airliner crash live. But I don't think anyone knew that was coming. Well, somebody probably knew, but that's a different story.

I'm sure you may be thinking, "What's the big deal? We've seen far worse than that."

And that's my point exactly. We've seen so much tragedy (or in this case, potential tragedy) that we don't even give it a second thought anymore.

All I know is that I would have felt very strangely if I had loved ones on that plane and I was watching what could have been their fiery deaths.

But maybe that's just me.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Un-Fortune-ate

Well, they did it.

INXS managed to choose as their new frontman the one person I loathed.

As a friend of mine so eloquently put it earlier today:

JD Fortune can kiss my ass.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Hornets nest

The New Orleans Hornets are coming to Oklahoma City.

Although I absolutely loathe the means by which they come (that bitch Katrina), I am very excited.

So listen up, Oklahomans.

This is your chance to show that you are not the redneck, po-dunk losers that the rest of the nation thinks you are.

Yes, the tickets will be expensive.

But so are OU football tickets, which you seem to have no problem paying. So are tickets to concerts, which you seem to have no trouble paying. And even Civic Center performances can be a little pricey. But still, you find a way.

I'm not saying that you have to buy a season ticket package.

But wouldn't it be nice to go to a few games, support a city and team who have been through a horrific ordeal, and have some fun ... all while helping the city of Oklahoma City's economy at the same time?

Let's face it.

It's time to spend your money on something else other than bingo and cowboy boots.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

LilRed's Emmy recap

Hot:
Patrick Dempsey
Halle Berry
Marcia Cross
That kid that Eva Longoria does it with on" Desperate Housewives"

Not:
Patricia Arquette
Alyson Hannigan
That guy on "My Name is Earl"

Funny:
That lady that lost her acceptance speech in her cleavage

Not:
All the lame intros the presenters had to read

Deserving:
Felicity Huffman for Best Actress in a comedy

Overlooked:
Six Feet Under

Without a doubt, the highlight of the show:
The porn face still shots for the writer nominees of Da Ali G Show

That was pure genius, my friends.

Saturday, September 17, 2005

Sooner or later, they had to start sucking

Don't worry, Sooners. Your true fans will always be with you.

Even in the bad times.

And boy, does it look like we're in for some bad times.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Ahhh - it's Friday

Not only does that mean it's the end of the week, but it also means that my edition of the Oklahoma City "Friday" newspaper should be hitting my desk.

What a joke of a paper.

But just like a bad car wreck, I have to look.

After all, where would I be without the newspaper that serves "Far Northwest Oklahoma City, Nichols Hills and The Village since 1974."

Shame on me.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

INXS-ive

I have been consumed by RockStar: INXS for some time now, as readers may very well know. In fact, my excessive watching of the show has been quite the catalyst for my OCD.

But allow me to state for the record:

If JD ends up winning the INXS lead singer gig (I can't believe I just used the word gig) ...

... then I will no longer consider myself an INXS fan.

Suzie was robbed.

And Marty - please make me proud.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Girls girls girls!

So I was watching one of my guilty pleasures this weekend, Girls Next Door, when I came across the episode in which Hef's former girlfriend, Barbi Benton, comes to visit.

Much to the chagrin of Hef's new girlfriends, Barbi came off as a little over-the-hill and bitchy.

Even so ... man was she hot in her heyday! It got me thinking.

Who are the hottest Playboy Playmates of all time?

Here are my top 5 (in no particular order):

Barbi Benton
Dorothy Stratten
Candy Loving
Heather Kozar
Angel Boris

Yes, it's true. I can appreciate hot naked chicks.

It's what makes me special.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Things are looking up (barely)

It's good to see that things seem to finally be moving in a positive direction on the gulf coast.

That's not to say that it won't take years to recover ... but hopefully things will be right again someday.

Monday, September 12, 2005

It'll be here before we know it

Is anyone else freaking out about the fact that some stores already have their Christmas decorations displayed? And that they've been displayed for a couple of weeks now?

Pretty soon they're gonna start leaving that stuff up year 'round.

Unbelievable.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Tattoo you

It seems like everyone has a tattoo these days. Some of us, though, will never jump on that bandwagon.

But what I would like to know from the non-tattoo-ees:

If you were to succumb to the peer pressure ...

1 - What kind of tattoo would you get?
2 - On what part of the body?

Don't worry. No one else has to know.

Saturday, September 10, 2005

The home stretch

Oh dear God.

I just checked my stats ... someone came across Lip Schtick by way of the following search:

men stretching testicles

Man. Talk about stretching one's imagination.

OK, OK. For those who are challenged by sarcasm ... it is commonly thought that men think with their balls.

Get it?

Stretching one's imagination? ... Men stretching testicles?

Oh, just forget it.

Friday, September 09, 2005

You tell me - #8

OK, I've got one.

Vanity plates:

Game ...

... or lame?

You tell me.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Unsinkable

I told you I dug the pet websites and blogs.

Unlike a lot of folks, I think animal sites are quite kick ass.

Especially this one.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Pet peeves - #4

I absolutely loathe when I am walking along in a parking lot, or on a sidewalk, or any other pedestrian area for that matter, and I look down to find a disgusting wad of spit.

What is wrong with you people?

What is it that makes you think that hurling bodily fluids onto the pavement is appropriate, and/or necessary, for the love of Pete?

And if that's not bad enough ... you can imagine my chagrin as I drove down the road a few days ago, only to meet a large truck going the opposite direction. The driver of said truck decided it would be nice to hack one up and hoist it out the window just as I approached.

There it was.

Big.

Yellow.

Heinous.

All over my windshield.

It was all I could do to hold in my own bodily fluids at that point ... as the need to hurl was definitely upon me.

There's a special place in hell for that guy.

I bet he works at WalMart.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

And then there were five - INXS style

I admitted before, I'm addicted.

Rock Star INXS is down to five from the original 15. And what a ride it's been. Here's my breakdown of the final quintet - not that anyone cares.

Why Mig is right for their band INXS:
First of all, he's an Aussie. He would fit right in. But that's not to take away from his talent. The only member of the show who has yet to venture into the "bottom three," Mig had one of the show's highlight performances with his version of Peter Frampton's "Baby I Love Your Way."

I have to admit, I always hated that song with the intensity of 1000 burning suns. But not when Mig crooned away.

Plus, how can I not be entranced by his abs? I ab-solutely cannot ignore them.

Of the final five, I would say that his song selection has been the least diverse, and his original song was not that great.

But overall, he has been a crowd pleaser. And teaser, if you know what I mean.


Why Jordis is just not right for their band INXS:
Jordis is hot. Plain and simple. And her voice is angelic.

But the one criticism I have had during the entire show is that INXS is not consistent in their comments about the performances.

Deanna (who was also extremely hot, by the way) was constantly reminded that she was not breaking out of her "comfort zone." How can the same not be said about Jordis?

Give her a stool and a slow song - she's fantastic (she definitely did John Lennon's "Imagine" justice).

Give her an upbeat rock song - she sucks (she looked horribly out of place with Eric Clapton's "Layla" ... and we won't even discuss how awfully she butchered "Dream On" by Aerosmith.

INXS needs someone who doesn't look like, as a friend of mine put it, "a frump" on stage.

The voice? She has it.

The stage presence? Not at all.

Will Jordis be the next lead singer for INXS? I think it suffices to say: Dream On.


Why Marty is right for their band INXS:
Marty is brilliant.

Not only does he always have the right answers for INXS, but he is a fantastic performer.

He has repeatedly shown that he can do what INXS asks - and delivers without fail.

From recent hits by the Killers and Franz Ferdinand, to classics by Pink Floyd - Marty has continued to impress. Even his take of Britney Spears' "Hit Me Baby One More Time" was a masterpiece.

If Marty doesn't take home the prize of INXS lead singer, I will be shocked.


Why J.D. is just not right for their band INXS:
J.D. has sucked from day one.

And that's not to say he hasn't had his moments of glory. A couple of his early performances were notable ("California Dreamin'" by the Mamas and the Papas, and "Hand in My Pocket" by Alanis Morissette). He definitely had me fooled.

But as his true colors continued to seep through (he is as slimy as they come), and as his performances began to weaken - well, let's just say I don't know how he's made it this far.

And let's not forget the episode in which the finalists were to go into the studio to perform a new INXS song. While the other rockers were rehearsing until the wee hours, J.D. napped.

Loser.

As mad as I was at Ty for turning his departure into a racial quagmire - I would have much rather seen Ty stick around way before I would have ever wanted to see J.D.'s fake pucker again.

P.S. - I was not the least bit shocked when we found out that J.D. used to be an Elvis impersonator. Elvis was great for Elvis. Anyone else who emulates Elvis in even the slightest way?

Smarmy. Just plain smarmy.

And J.D.'s about as smarmy as they get.


Why Suzie is right for their band INXS:
I have to say - when I first started watching Rock Star INXS, I just couldn't picture a female lead singer.

Now I can.

Suzie is my new favorite to win it all.

I have loved Marty from the first time I saw the show. But Suzie has been the most diverse, most spine-tingling performer.

She has gone from the Rolling Stones, to Sam Cooke, to Stevie Wonder, to Blondie, to Queen (which, by the way, her version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" was the best performance of the show - bar none) all without breaking a sweat.

And don't get me started on her bottom three INXS performances (although why she has ever been in the bottom three is completely beyond me). Her "Bitter Tears" performance still gives me goosebumps, and "Never Tear Us Apart" seems like it was written especially for Suzie.

She has kicked ass throughout (with the exception of the very first show in which she had a lyrical fumble).

I can only hope she continues to keep the ass-kicking vibe going.

She definitely deserves the job.

Monday, September 05, 2005

This cake recipe is the cat's meow

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not much of a cook.

I'm not very creative, and I just don't understand how to do it all. Plus, I have to go by an exact recipe (my OCD won't allow me to cook otherwise).

But here's a cake recipe a friend sent me that I thought I'd share. I figured if I could use this recipe, anyone could.

I'm just trying to keep the good karma going for those of us who a culinarily impaired. Is culinarily a word? I digress.

Cake ingredients
1 box spice or German chocolate cake mix
1 box of white cake mix
1 package white sandwich cookies
1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix
A few drops green food coloring
12 small Tootsie Rolls

-Prepare and bake cake mixes, according to directions, in any size pan.
-Prepare pudding and chill.
-Crumble cookies in small batches in blender or food processor.
-Add a few drops of green food coloring to 1 cup of cookie crumbs.
-Mix with a fork or shake in a jar.
-Set aside.

-When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl.
-Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough pudding to make the mixture moist but not soggy.
-Pour in mixture into pan.
-Unwrap 3 Tootsie Rolls and heat in a microwave until soft and pliable.
-Shape the blunt ends into slightly curved points.
-Repeat with three more rolls.
-Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture.
-Sprinkle remaining white cookie crumbs over the mixture, then scatter green crumbs lightly over top.
-Heat 5 more Tootsie Rolls until almost melted.
-Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with remaining crumbs.

Enjoy!

Now, if you're like me and work better through the use of visual aids, never fear.

Click here for photo

Good stuff, huh?

Saturday, September 03, 2005

The dawn of a new season

It is 6 a.m. on a Saturday and I am already up.

Why?

Because today is the first day of the Sooner football season.

And God knows that if you don't get to Norman before the friggin' crack of dawn - you can kiss goodbye the chance to get a decent parking space that doesn't cost a bazillion dollars.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love the football.

But getting up this early on a Saturday is for the proverbial birds.

Or I guess it makes more sense to say - for the Sooners.

BOOMER SOONER

Friday, September 02, 2005

LilRed's college football game o' the week - #1

Well, the college football season has officially begun.

Steve Spurrier is back. USC is #1 again. And the BCS is screwed up as ever.

But I digress.

Welcome to the inaugural edition of the football pick 'em that I like to call: LilRed's college football game o' the week.

Not a catchy title, I know. But it's the best I could come up with after a long, taxing week.

This week's matchup is:

Colorado State at Colorado

Here's Gary Barnett's chance to show that his team is not just a band of jailbird wannabes. Let's face it. Colorado didn't come out too shabbily last year, even after all the drama. They ended up winning the Big 12 North division ... only to get their asses kicked by the Sooners in the championship game. But no one thought they would even get that far.

Then we have the Rams of Colorado State. Unfortunately, I just don't think they're going to beat Colorado tomorrow. First of all, their uniforms are green. Green just doesn't say football powerhouse to me.

Plus, I think a buffalo could kick a ram's ass. But I could be wrong.

Ha! The last time I used "ram" and "ass" in the same sentence ... well, you get the point.

My prediction:
Colorado 28
Colorado State 14

Probably won't be a barnburner, but we'll see.

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