maro Lip Schtick: October 2005p

Monday, October 31, 2005

Oops! She did it again

Oh dear God.

Brooke Shields is pregnant again.

First of all, I hope her second post-pregnancy is much more joyful than her first.

Second, I hope she goes another round with Tom Cruise.

I'd pay to see that fight.

MorningGlory - I think we would all love to hear your thoughts on this subject ...

Sunday, October 30, 2005

It's outta my hands ... he's shameless

I am not a Garth Brooks fan.

But even though I don't dig his music, I hate to see him sell his soul to the devil.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

You go, girl

It terrifies me that we live in a world where rape is used as a "solution" to a problem.

But I am even more terrified of what could happen to this woman because she decided to take a stand.

Friday, October 28, 2005

A love story

Someone sent me this today, and I thought I would share it. We should all be so lucky to find love this true.

I will seek and find you

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and groan

I will make you beg for mercy, beg me to stop

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I am
finished with you

And when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
The Flu

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Just a sprinkle a day ...

I just went to the grocery store to pick up a couple of items, and I gotta tell ya. It ain't appetizing when the cashier has B.O. that kicks it like VanDamme.

You work in a grocery store! There's all sorts of deodorant at your fingertips!

Please partake in a little shower-fresh goodness!

Says the girl who has spent the past few days doctoring a sinkhole on her head.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Thy rot and thy staph - they disgust me

The prognosis is in.

It turns out I have folliculitis.

Which is medical speak for pus-filled, festering sores. Needless to say, I crapped my pants a little when I first saw it right along my forehead hairline.

At least it is on my scalp. Which will be especially nice when it starts scarring and all of my hair falls out.

OK, OK. I am exaggerating.

My doctor has given me antibiotics, and I am already much better.

But I would like to give readers a word of caution. Apparently the same infection on my scalp is pretty common for people of all places ...

... their buttocks.

I can tell you that my one, little, nickel-sized infection was gross enough on my head.

But I say a big fat "no thanks" to having anything like that on my ass.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Them's just jokes - #3

OK, OK, I admit it. I actually stole the following joke from one of my fave reality show gals (Holly) on one of my fave reality boob-fests, Girls Next Door.

Q: What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A: A salad shooter.


That's pure comedy, folks.

Pure comedy.

Monday, October 24, 2005

What a gal, indeed


In a world filled with so few role models, it's nice to know there was one.

RIP, Rosa Parks.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Why me?

It never fails that, in a social setting, I always attract the guys I don't want to attract.

Why is this?

Now, I may not be Catherine Zeta-Jones, but I'm no Kathy Bates, either.

And it's even harder when you're dressed in a Halloween costume. Who can be themselves in a costume?

All I'm saying is this:

Count Dracula I can handle.

But Count Dorkula? You need not apply.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Fame comes with a price

If you actually had the time to read the novella that was my previous post, you may find it as ironic as I did that I actually won a Halloween costume contest last night.

Unfortunately, it looks like I may have staph infection on my scalp from where my wig rubbed my scalp raw.

Even when I win, I just can't win.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Hell night - 1981

My friends are all very excited about what they're going to be for Halloween. I, on the other hand, do not enjoy Halloween. I don't enjoy dressing up.

And until just a few days ago, I didn't exactly know why. But then I remembered a Halloween from years ago that I must have had tucked away in the deepest recesses of my mind ...

Flashback to October 1981. I was in the fifth grade in a new school, as well as a new school district. Up until this point I had always loved Halloween. The candy, the cool fall air. And I always enjoyed when my grandparents took me trick-or-treating.

But things were about to change.

Evidently a lot of the kids in my fifth grade class no longer trick-or-treated. According to them, trick-or-treating was for babies. At the time I remember thinking, uh, we are babies. We're 10. It's not like we're 19 trying to hit up people for some candy.

And even the few kids that still did go trolling for candy did so, at least, in very cool, authentic homemade costumes.

But, like any 10-year-old, I was not interested in bucking the norm. If the kids in my class weren't trick-or-treating, then by God, neither was I.

My mom had other ideas in mind.

"You are only 10! You're trick-or-treating," my mom replied (with a hint of irritation in her voice) when I told her I didn't want to trick-or-treat.

"But Mom, none of the other kids are going," I whined.

"I don't care. You're going," she answered.

I still to this day don't know if she was trying to show me how important it was to preserve my youth, or if she really just wanted to hork some of my candy.

Days passed, and we got closer and closer to Halloween. I kept thinking that if I didn't mention it again, Mom would forget about making me go trick-or-treating.

But of course, she didn't.

"Come on, let's go. It's time to go buy your costume," Mom asserted one fateful evening.

"Mom - I don't want to go buy a costume. None of the other kids wear store bought costumes. If they trick-or-treat at all, which most of them don't, they wear homemade costumes," I moaned.

"Well, I'm not going to spend a bunch of time or ask Grandma to spend a lot of time making a costume that you'll only be able to wear this Halloween. Next year you'll have grown out of it."

Even though she had a point (hindsight is always 20/20), I begrudgingly went with her to pick out my store-bought costume. Obviously me heart wasn't in it.

"Pick out anything you want," Mom said, trying to get me into the Halloween spirit.

I trudged along, checking out the array of flame-retardant lame costumes.

I finally decided on Spider Woman. Or at least the package said Spider Woman. I didn't know that Spider Man had a female counterpart, but if he did, this sure was a crappy excuse.

"I don't want to wear this, Mom!"

"Don't worry," she replied. "No one will know it's you because you'll have on a mask."

There was no winning with her. I was going trick-or-treating, and that's all there was to it.

I had convinced myself that maybe she was right. Maybe I could get through the night with no one recognizing me. I would, after all, be wearing a mask (albeit an extremely dorky mask). Oh, and by the way, my costume pants were too short. I was in for a long night.

I made my Mom take me to an area of the neighborhood where we weren't as familiar with the people who lived there. I couldn't risk having anyone recognize my Mom standing on the sidewalk waiting for me.

We got through the first few homes, no problem. No one recognized me. I was actually almost convinced that I could possibly get through the evening relatively unscathed.

Until I rang the next doorbell.

To my chagrin, Doug Mitchell answered the door.

Doug Mitchell was a third grader.

Unbelievable. A third grader answering the door. Why the hell wasn't he out trick-or-treating?

He immediately began to laugh. Not only did he recognize me, but his "Nice costume" remark didn't make me feel any better.

It was all I could do to not rip into my Mom and give her the biggest "I told you so!" she had ever heard. I took Doug's candy (hey, embarrassed as I may have been, I was not about to pass up some Smarties) and got the hell away from his front porch.

That's when I saw her face. Mom realized that maybe she had made a mistake. She saw how embarrassed I was, and I know she felt badly too.

So badly, she said we could go home.

Thank God! What a poo of an evening.

I was pretty pissed, too. She just wouldn't listen.

When we got home, I couldn't get that God forsaken Spider Woman costume off quickly enough.

I did my ritualistic dumping of the candy onto the living room floor (I always did this as I was parked n front of the TV, of course) and began to separate the candy into piles of like pieces.

I was beginning to get over the fact that I had just suffered quite the humiliation at the hands of a dillhole third grader. Chocolate can help a kid get over almost anything.

An hour later it was time for bed. Tomorrow would be a new day. Hopefully Doug would forget what he saw and keep his 8-year-old trap shut.

As I told Mom goodnight, I could feel that I was even past being mad at her.

"Goodnight, Mom. Have some candy, if you want."

"Goodnight," she answered softly.

I made my way toward my room. All was well. If I could get over the worst Halloween ever, I could get over anything. And finally Mom had learned a valuable lesson as well. She should have listened to what I was trying to tell her.

"Oh, LilRed?" I heard Mom holler.

I made my way back to the living room. "Yeah?"

"What do you want to go as next Halloween?"

Thursday, October 20, 2005

The girl next door

This morning I was driving down my street when a person coming from the opposite direction tried to squeeze between the parked car on their side and me. Nothing pisses me off more.

Are you in such a hurry that you can't pull behind the parked car and give me the right of way? Hells bells!

Anywho, I met the person with a death stare and a resounding, "Idiot!" I don't even know if they saw me because of their severe darkly tinted windows.

As I kept driving, I watched in my rear view mirror as the gap between us widened.

Then I noticed they began slowing down right around the area of the street in which I live.

That's when the moral of the story hit me.

When you have the road rage, make sure you don't direct it at your next door neighbor.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Say no to horsepills

I tried to take my Centrum vitamin this morning, but to no avail.

A vitamin the size of friggin' Texas is not gonna help me one bit if I die from choking on it.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Mouthing off

Is anyone terrified by those Taco Mayo commercials with the veggies that have human talking mouths super-imposed onto them?

I am sorry.

I have enough trouble sleeping at night withought having to worry about crap like that giving me nightmares.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Holy crap - the lottery hits Oklahoma!

Am I the only Oklahoman who has not jumped on the lottery ticket bandwagon?

I mean, I'm all for winning some cash.

But good Lord. I know some folks who have damn near soiled themselves trying to buy a lottery ticket.

I just don't know that it's worth a poop in the pants.

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Stash the 'stache, please

I read recently that moustaches may be on their way back "in."

Dear God, I hope not.

Ick

Blecch

Yuck

Now don't get me wrong. I dug Freddie Mercury and Sonny Bono.

But the 'staches were wrong.

Just wrong.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Affair of the Heart it ain't

If you missed the Girlie Show at the Farmer's Public Market, you missed quite an event.

40 female artists. Food from some of Oklahoma City's coolest restaurants. Liquor. A kickass DJ. Interpretive dancers in lingerie.

Wow. What a night.

This art show highlighted some of Oklahoma City's most talented women.

From Rebecca McCauley's kicky greeting cards ... to Jennifer Fraase's whimsical trinket boxes ... to Amy Baldwin's mosaic goodies, there was something for everyone.

And don't forget about the fact that it was a major social scene as well.

I ran into about a gazillion people I knew from my high school days, previous jobs, and oh yeah, even some people that I never thought I'd see again.

One thing's for sure ... the Girlie Show delivered on its promise of a good time.

Friday, October 14, 2005

You tell me - #10

A friend of mine seems to think that my hatred of WalMart is unfounded. In fact, here are his exact words on the subject:

I am beginning to think your distaste for Wally World may need some significant counseling! As bad as Wally World is they are not aligned with Lucifer. That un-holy contract belongs to STARBUCKS!

What? You mean there are people who actually think that WalMart was not sprung from the loins of Beelzebub himself?

Inconceivable.

So now I must ask.

Which drips more with diabolical depravity (thesaurus.com comes in mighty handy in times like these):

WalMart? Or Starbucks?

You tell me.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Pop-up goes the devil

As I searched the web earlier today, I was stricken with a pop-ad of the most horrific kind:

I had "won" a $500 WalMart gift certificate.

That's it.

A pop-up sent straight from the depths of hell. I knew it had to be something evil to get past my pop-up blockers.

Only Satan's minions could come up with something so vile.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

We should all be so (fill in the blank)

A friend of mine is very happy. And I'm happy for her.

Just three years ago she lost her husband. This was a second marriage for both, but they had that "movie love" of which most of us only dream.

When her husband died, I thought that she may have lost the love of her life. As sad as that made me, I was extremely moved by the fact that she was, even if for a few short years, able to experience the happiest times she had ever known.

Alas ... lightning has struck twice.

We spoke today about a new person she may be falling for.

At first I thought, "how lucky she is to meet the opportunity to find true love twice."

But then it hit me. She's not lucky. She's just a good person. And I like to think that good things happen for good people.

She is a perfect example of a person who deserves to be happy - because she is happy.

Even when things seem their crappiest. And believe me, she has seen her fair share of crap the past two or three years.

But you'd never know it. And that's what makes her so cool.

Or lucky.

Whatever you want to call it.

I'm just glad to know her.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Morocco or bust

A friend of mine recently took a trip to Morocco.

Unfortunately, he barely made it out of there alive.

Knowing nothing about Morocco, I was quite surprised by the horror stories he had to relay.

But every time I pass along the story of his vacation gone awry, I am even more surprised by the number of people who have horror stories of their own (or of their friends') to share about Morocco.

So, I want to know.

Is there anyone out there who has been to this country recently who had a pleasant experience?

I'm just curious.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Stretching the limits

Every now and then I like to let Lip Schtick readers know how people are getting here. I do so by checking my StatCounter pageload activity stats.

Not too long ago I reported that a reader came to Lip Schtick by way of the search:

men stretching testicles

At the time, I didn't think too much about this, other than the fact that I thought it was damn funny.

But now, I have noticed several other people searching the exact same phrase.

So, I have to ask.

What is this "men stretching testicles" thing? Is this a new phenomena that's sweeping the country? Or even the world?

And if it is, WHY?

Help me understand why one would want to stretch his testicles. Is this just a guy thing? Are stretchier balls just cooler somehow?

I can't figure it out.

But if I may, I would like to offer one tidbit of advice:

Be careful with the over-stretching, guys.

Chicks don't dig the low-hangers.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

So not my thing

I saw a billboard today for the upcoming Affair of the Heart event at the fairgrounds.

I have to tell you, I would rather poke myself in the eye with a needle than go to Affair of the Heart.

Talk about a gigantic hen house.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Post-partum depression? That's alien to me.

I know I'm not the first person to think this, and I certainly won't be the last.

But that Katie Holmes better hope that her post-pregnant days go smoothly.

Because although her wacky boyfriend believes in aliens, post-partum depression, he does not.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Who were you holding for?

Have you ever been put on hold for so long that you forget who you were calling in the first place?

That happened to me just today.

Wow.

I didn't know I could get Alzheimer's at the ripe old age of 34.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

By George, I think he's heinous!

I wanted to read this story, but I couldn't because I was so horrified of the attached photo.


I can't imagine why he could possibly think that he looks good.

We always knew Boy George was a little "out there."

But hells bells, that's terrifying.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Muy buena

I am on a roll this week.

First, someone wanted my cherry.

Then, a couple of days ago, a female colleague asked me if I wanted her taco.

I was quite astonished at her question ... until I realized she was referring to her leftover taco from Bueno.

Either way, the answer was "no."

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

You tell me - #9

The OU "suicide bomber" (although whether or not it was an actual suicide remains to be seen) has gotten me to think.

Not because I have a desire to off myself ... but what exactly is it that makes a person think that's the only solution?

So often we hear that suicide is an act of cowardice. That nothing can be so bad that you can't get through.

But on the flip side of the coin, I would think that the actual act of killing oneself must take balls the size of Texas.

And since my balls are only the size of Rhode Island, I don't think it'll ever be an issue for me.

So, I get to the question at hand.

Suicide:

An act of major cowardice? Or "Wow, that took some mighty huge cahones."

You tell me.

Monday, October 03, 2005

From the "You cannot be serious" file ...

Once again, political correctness has gone WAY too far.

From NY Teacher:
Today in our weekly PD it was mentioned that the region doesn't want us to use the term "bullet points" anymore because it has a negative connotation.

Un friggin' believable.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Movin' Out: a review, if you will

I just saw the Civic Center production of Billy Joel and Twyla Tharp's "Movin' Out."

The entire production, set to the songs of Billy Joel, was quite entertaining ... and with no cheesy dialogue.

The choreography fit the story very well, and was not afraid to be (when important to the story) sexually explicit in nature. When we are taken with one of the lead characters through the seedy underworld that is stereotypical of New York City, the costumes and dance suited the scene to a tee (how often do you see a stage production in which a guy dressed in S & M gear is choreographed to hump a bunch of women dressed as strippers?).

But all of that aside, it was a remarkable production ... with some of the most engaging choreography I've seen in a while.

And this time around, there were no prop malfunctions.

I kept thinking to myself that it sure would be nice if the issues of our lives could be solved with a mere dance.

Falling in love would be a whole lot easier, because you wouldn't have to worry about saying a bunch of stupid stuff.

Losing a loved one would be a lot less painful, because hey, you can dance like hell, then the sorrow is gone!

And as shown in this production, you can fight in the Vietnam War (and lose a close friend in the process), come home, get hooked on drugs in the pit of New York City, take on the endless search for love, get your life back on track ... only to come out smelling like a proverbial rose in a two-hour time span!

If only it was that simple.

Saturday, October 01, 2005

A glimmer of hope dashed

Well, Arizona State had the chance to beat USC.

But they blew it.

I was disappointed, but then I had a revelation. Better for USC to be #1.

That way, Texas remains as they belong:

#2.

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