maro Lip Schtick: December 2005p

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Welcome back

I must say that it was quite moving tonight to see Dick Clark on his "New Year's Rockin' Eve" broadcast.

I didn't expect him to be on the show since his stroke a couple of years ago. He gets major points for coming back, and for doing a great job.

Happy new year, Dick.

It's nice to have you back.

Friday, December 30, 2005

What's in a name?

It's been said that a blog's title is very important.

Of course it was said by those folks who spend way too much time pretending to be the omniscient wizards of the blogosphere.

I personally think it's the content of the blog that's the most important ... not necessarily the title. But I digress.

You may recall eons ago that I found the moniker I Kick Ass for the Lord to be quite amusing for the blog of the same name.

Because, as everyone knows, Jesus loves an ass kicker.

But today I think I have found a new fave blog title:

Dogcrap Green

Now, when one first comes across "Dogcrap Green," what might he expect to find there?

Stories about nasty canine diarrhea? Discussions about how the writer's favorite color can only be described in such a putrid manner?


Dogcrap Green is a blog dedicated to greyhound racing.

Bravo, my friend.

Anytime you can work the word dogcrap into your blog's headline, I say you've definitely won.

Dateless on New Year's Eve? Not anymore!

Looking for a new relationship to start the new year?

Or just trying to find the ultimate new year's eve one night stand?

Well, your search is over.

This site has it all.

By the way - I've got dibs on Photo Shop guy.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Thank God that's over

Oklahoma - 17
Oregon- 14

Holy loose bowels!

I cannot survive these damn football games much longer.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

As time goes by

I can't believe the year 2006 is almost here.

It seems like it was Christmas just last week.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

More than 50,000 served

No, I'm not talking about the number of dates I had this year.

I'm referring to the fact that somehow during this wacky holiday season, Lip Schtick surpassed 50,000 hits.

I guess all those countless hours of me clicking onto my own blog finally paid off.

Monday, December 26, 2005

The post-Christmas blues

This time of year always makes me kinda sad.

Christmas has come and gone ... people start slowly taking down their lights ... out of town friends and family who you rarely get to see start heading back home ... and all of that awesome holiday food is gone!

The thing that makes me saddest?

Driving by the Christmas tree lots the day after Christmas to see the trees that didn't get picked.

Call me corny, but I just can't stand it.

I've even gotten to the point where I intentionally avoid the areas in which I know the lots reside.

There's just something so melancholy about knowing those trees didn't get to fulfill their Christmas destiny.

Or maybe I'm just insane.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Sneezin'

I have never had an allergy in my life (that I am aware of).

But as I spent Christmas day festivities with a close friend's family, the wretched doors of allergic symptoms may have been flung wide open without my permission.

I was at the home of my friend's niece for about 30 minutes when, all of a sudden, I became stuffy and sneezy. Then the incessant runny nose kicked in.

This was all very unfortunate because this family has some of the best holiday food I have ever encountered. And it's really hard to taste your food when your head is stuffed up like Santa's bag o' toys.

I don't know what the hell was in that house, but needless to say, it was no friend of my sinuses.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Christmas Eve and old farts

My friends and I have gathered at Christmas Eve for three years now. I'd say we're building a tradition, even though we probably didn't even realize it when we started.

Tonight, however, we proved just how elderly we are becoming.

Following a quite awesome non-traditional Christmas dinner of Chicken tortilla soup (which was excellent, by the way), we sat around and, believe it or not, played dominoes.

What the hell? When did we become 80?

We played chicken foot.

Now, not being well-versed in the ways of dominoes, I needed a little help. But before the end of the night I was cussing and trying to keep my dominoes covered from wandering eyes as much as possible.

You could say I had become quite feisty and competitive at the chicken foot.

Good times were had by all, even if I kept losing.

Damn that double-blank.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Happy holidays

As we reach the end of 2005, I would like to wish Lip Schtick readers (and non-readers, for that matter), the merriest of Christmases, the happiest of Hanukkahs, and the best of Kwanzaas.

Not to leave anyone else out, but those are the only three I know even minimally about.

So, enjoy the season, everyone.

I'll be back soon with more sarcasm, crassness, and cynicism.

I know you'll be waiting right over there on the edge of your seat.

Thursday, December 22, 2005

I "believed" in Santa - the finale

Santa: I don't know who in the name of all that is holy thought your haircut was a good idea, but I gotta tell ya - they were sadly mistaken.

Nice snaggletooth, by the way. Goes great with your coif.

LilRed: What the hell has happened to me?! Last year I was all cute and sassy. Now I've got the bowl cut and the gap! What gives?

Seriously. What goes through a mother's mind when she decides to cut a little girl's hair like this is beyond me. I must have done some thing really bad to deserve that one.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

I "believed" in Santa - year three (or maybe four)

Santa: Well look at you! All dressed up for Christmas! Who the hell wears a wrist corsage to get their picture taken with me? I'll tell you who! Spoiled little brats! This ain't the prom, you know!

LilRed: Damn, Santa. Your breath could kill a horse. Ever heard of Tic Tacs? Maybe you should try a couple. Plus, they only have 1-1/2 calories per mint.

I don't actually know who gave me the corsage. I suspect it was my grandparents. They kicked ass.
I would gladly wear that friggin' corsage today if it meant they could be here this Christmas.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

I "believed" in Santa - year two

LilRed: So, you see, Santa. I keep a whole bunch o'pennies in this little purse here. See? Cause a gal never knows when she may need some mad money ...

Santa: What? You keep panties in your purse? Lemme see!

LilRed: No, Santa! PENNIES! Not panties.

Santa: Aw, hell. Why do you kids gotta waste my time like this? I'll sure be glad when the state fair rolls around again so I can get my carny pay. Crap. I need a smoke.


My mom told me that I used to have to tell everyone about my little owl purse full of pennies. Obviously I felt the need to relay the information to "Santa" as well.

I'm sure he was riveted.

I'm mostly riveted about what appears to be a phantom yarmulke atop my noggin.

Monday, December 19, 2005

I "believed" in Santa - year one

Santa: What is the hell is this? Is it a boy? A girl? I think it's taking a crap, whatever it is.

LilRed: Damn! That creamed spinach gives me the trots!


I told you previously that I never believed in Santa.
But it didn't matter that I didn't believe. I just didn't want to spoil the fun for my family.

So I went along, year after year, sitting on Santa's knee. This pic is from my first Christmas.

And as you can probably tell, I didn't feel much like going through the whole "getting my photo taken with Santa" thing.

But I obliged. And probably pooped.

Sunday, December 18, 2005


It's Christmas time and I have a confession to make:

I never believed in Santa (or the Easter Bunny, or the tooth fairy, for that matter).

Yes, it's true.

Even as a wee, young lass, I just never understood how so many of my friends could believe something that was so obviously not real.

Not that I didn't play the game mind you. I still wanted the presents.

I was just too much of a realist. Even as a small child (and a Pisces at that!).

More to come tomorrow on playing along with the charade.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Ornament lament

A few gal pals invited me to a dinner / ornament exchange party a couple of weeks ago.

I set out shopping for my ornament. And what I came to realize is this:

Ornaments are tacky. Tacky as hell, as a matter of fact.

Have you ever noticed this? I mean, collectively, when displayed on a Christmas tree, they all look great.

But when you break them down, one by one, they are not so cute. The funky colors ... garish, actually.

And what's worse, most of them are so fragile that you can't look at them without breaking them. So then you've got jacked up ornaments with eyes, arms, and various other limbs missing.

So next year I think I'll try something different. A tree without ornaments.

On second thought, no.

Because even whacked out broken ornaments are better than nothing.

Even if they do look like rejects from the Dolly Parton house of fine jewels.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Randal Trumps Rebecca - in more ways than one

It seems a lot of folks are up in arms about Randal's statement to Donald Trump that he should not hire both finalists on the season finale of The Apprentice, but should rather stick with his original choice to only hire Randal.

And I can't for the life of me see why people are so upset by this.

The show's premise is for the candidates to work like dogs for umpteen weeks in order to be the last one standing at the end - to become Donald Trump's apprentice.

Admittedly, Randal was my fave from the beginning. He was sharp, even-tempered, earned the respect of the entire set of candidates, and won every task in which he was the project manager. Plus, he has the education and job experience to back up his performance.

That said, I found that Rebecca was quite outstanding as well. Articulate, loyal, with a "never let 'em see you sweat" demeanor, Rebecca would have been a great choice for Mr. Trump. Unfortunately, she did not fare as well when it came to being project manager, and I think her age (a ripe, young 23) worked against her.

So, back to my original point.

Mr. Trump hired Randal.

And immediately upon doing so, he told Randal how much he respected him and his opinion. Then he asked Randal if he should hire Rebecca also.

I have to admit. If I were Randal, I would have been pissed.

He worked hard, kicked ass, and in the end, was going to possibly have to share all of the rewards with the runner up? I say huh-uh.

And I don't think he was being selfish. I think he was being honest.

I truly believe that most people would have wearily responded, "Uh, sure. Go ahead and hire Rebecca. She would be a great addition to the Trump organization."

And you know what? They'd be absolutely correct.

But I give Randal major points for having the cahones to stand up for what he believed in. Truth be told, Rebecca may not have made it as far as she did if it hadn't been for Randal.

And let's face it. Rebecca won't be hurting for long. A world of opportunities will surely open for her following her stint on the show.

So I say, congratulations, Randal. You earned the job.

And thanks for your honesty, however brutal.

After all, you said it best.

The show is called "The Apprentice," not "The Apprenti."

Thursday, December 15, 2005

A little clarification

A friend of mine told me I should clarify the "You Tell Me" question from the previous post regarding toilet paper: over or under?

I told her it was meant to beg the question of whether or not folks prefer their toilet paper roll to be dispensed from over the roll (my personal preference) or underneath (which drives me insane when I have to search for the starting point).

"What else could that have meant?" I asked.

"I thought you meant wiping technique," she replied, somewhat irritated.


Wednesday, December 14, 2005

You tell me - #11

Toilet paper:

Over or under?

You tell me.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

All I want for Christmas

I've decided what I want for Christmas more than anything in the whole world ...

... is for the huge knot of a zit I have growing just on the inside of my nostril to rid itself of my face immediately.

If you can figure out a way to make that happen, please let me know.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Air tour de force

The United States Air Force Academy has just released its latest recruitment video.

View it here.

And enjoy.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Icy hot

Just four days ago the high temperature for the day was supposed to be 17 degrees.

Today it's 62.

How the hell Oklahomans don't all die off from pneumonia is beyond me.

Lip Schtick is now one. Hopefully not done.

It just occurred to me that Lip Schtick is officially one year old today (well, yesterday, actually).

So far it has been fun.

But I gotta tell ya - blogging is hard!

Trust me, there is a lot of inane crap rolling around in this thing I like to call a brain. But for some odd reason, most of it has a horribly hard time making its way to the blog.

I'll keep trying ... if you'll keep reading.

Thanks for the support, Lip Schtikers.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Now read this - Fraternity

Fraternity: A Journey in Search of Five Presidents
by Bob Greene

No, I'm not referring to the male Greek system at your local university campus.

Fraternity is a book I happened across at, as I've mentioned before, my fave place: Barnes and Noble.

Now, loyal Lip Schtick readers know that I am not political. Most political opinions I do have, I choose to keep to myself (as I wish a lot more people would do).

But even with that said, I am fascinated by US presidents. Not who they are as president, but who they are as just people.

Writer and reporter Bob Greene spent many years tracking down and interviewing past presidents

Richard Nixon
Gerald Ford
Jimmy Carter

Ronald Reagan
George H.W. Bush

and compiled a pretty interesting look at what makes these guys tick (besides the fact that they each once held the world's most powerful political position).

Greene does speak with these men about the brief time they spent in office. But it's the most mundane stuff that really stuck me as the most interesting.

We seem to become familiar with our presidents because of the day-in and day-out media coverage. But it also seems that we often forget that these men are also human.

This book is a quick read and easy to follow. A word of caution, however. If you are interested in Ronald Reagan's piece of the puzzle, you'll be disappointed. The announcement of his affliction with Alzheimer's took place shortly before his visit with Greene was scheduled. He was never interviewed.

I was pleasantly surprised by Fraternity.

Let me know what you think.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Playmate of the century - revisited

Now that I mention it, I'd rather see Ashlee Simpson naked.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Playmate of the century

I am now taking bets on how long it will be before newly single Jessica Simpson appears in Playboy.

And I bet it'll be her dad's idea.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Who's her daddy?

According to Apple Rosebud McInerney, it's Chase.

Congrats, my friend.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Nip/Tuck-ered out

Loyal Lip Schtick readers know I loves me some Nip/Tuck.

But what the hell were they trying to pull with the episode tonight? If I wanted "a special episode of ER," then that's what I'd watch. I need my Nip/Tuck to remain at its filthy best like last week (although I have to admit, Julia killing the lady who she thought was her mother, only to find out it wasn't, was pretty good stuff).

And another thing.

If they don't tell us who the Carver is soon (I have now changed my hypothesis from Merrill Bobolit to Matt) ...

... then I may just have to carve Nip/Tuck right on out of my weekly scheduled programming.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Now read this - 700 Sundays

700 Sundays
by Billy Crystal

If you're looking for a funny book that you can read in a day ... this is it. And it's just plain good.

I have never been a huge Billy Crystal fan (even though he is the male lead in my favorite movie of all time - When Harry Met Sally). Other than that movie, I have never seen anything else he's been in (although I do find him quite funny when he hosts the Oscars).

This is one of those books I just happened to pass at my fave place (B & N) and thought, "What the hell?"

I wasn't disappointed.

700 Sundays is not only hilarious, but it's sweet. Crystal totally adores his family, quirks and all.

Buy this book.

You'll dig it.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Happy birthday, oh mother o' mine

Today is my mom's 57th birthday.

And she doesn't look a day over 57.

Ha! Just kidding, Mom. You look great.

And to celebrate the occasion, I leave you with the birthday song you taught me as a child:

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
You look like a monkey,
You smell like one too.

Happy birthday, Mom.

And thanks for making me the pillar of self-esteem I am today.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

If you thought I was kidding ...

... you were wrong.

Bald spots are not kick ass.

Friday, December 02, 2005

It's my opinion and I'm sticking to it

You know how there are those celebrities that everyone LOVES?

And you know how if you say you're not particularly fond of those celebrities, you get the death daggers and lectures that would seem as if you were guilty of blasphemy for not liking these individuals?

I get those daggers whenever I tell people that I cannot stand Julia Roberts and Oprah Winfrey.

I won't bore you with the details of why I am not crazy about these women. But I will give a brief synopsis:

Julia - Needs the attention whenever the attention should not be about her (you may recall her Katharine Hepburn speech at the Academy Awards a couple of years ago, or her display as she presented the Oscar to Denzel Washington a year or two before that).

Oprah - Vain. I'll say it again. Vain. A friend pointed out to me recently that she constantly looks up to see herself on the monitor during her shows (sidenote - this same friend cannot stand Katie Couric - for shame!).

Yes, I get that Oprah does a lot of great things for underprivileged folks. I don't begrudge her that. I have always just found her to be the biggest of buggers.

Until her David Letterman appearance last night. I have a totally different opinion of her now ... an even lower one.

Don't come on the show and ask what the feud was about. Obviously you have been pissed off about something for years. Come clean. If you're pissed, admit it. Grow up.

And if it is true that your were miffed about the Oprah / Uma (Thurman) introduction gag Letterman served up at the Oscars umpteen billion years ago ... well, I think it's time to get over it.

And in the meantime, in the words of the venerable Phil "Duckie" Dale of Pretty in Pink:

"It's called a sense of humor. You should get one. They're nice."


The world's first face transplant is complete.

As a person who has had the pleasure of meeting numerous organ transplant patients, I commend these doctors, and I wish the patient much luck in her road to recovery.

I am bothered by the people who have ethical concerns about this case.

This is not an instance of vanity ... this woman was actually having trouble eating and drinking. Her jaw tissues were dying, and according to physician interviewed on CBS News, tooth loss was quite possible.

Let's give this woman a break.

And hope that her transplant turns out better than the one on Nip/Tuck.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

World AIDS Day

Who Links Here